


I'm nothing but a ghost with heart and soul, clinging to the emptiness of it all

by technicolored_pachyderms



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, F/F, Gen, Hospitals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3718891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolored_pachyderms/pseuds/technicolored_pachyderms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(This was formerly called Time but I didn't like the name anymore so I changed it--College AU) </p>
<p>Lexa's drifting through her college years, afraid to let anyone new into her life. A trip to the hospital and an attractive intern threaten to tear open her world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Landscape

**Author's Note:**

> (I hope y'all enjoy this. I'm open to critique, this is the first fic I've started in 10 years. The formatting is terrible, I apologize and am working on fixing it. Let me know what y'all think!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I fixed the formatting, let me know if anything is messed up.)

“Shit” Lexa tried to push herself up off the ground but her ankle wasn't having it. She looked around and could only see the sandy canyon walls that encompassed most of the dig site. Cursing not so silently to herself, she managed to roll onto her back and sit up with her legs in front of her. This internship was a curse but it was one of her only options and she didn't want to spend the entire summer cooped up in a lab messing with test tubes so she took it. Plus Anya was the TA for the class and she'd known her for years so it wasn't too terrible. 

Lexa rolled her pants leg up to see if there was any visible damage from her fall. She was already covered with cuts and bruises from multiple falls. It looked like this one was going to leave more than just a scratch though. 

Again she looked around to see if she could locate her group, or anyone for that matter. She was on her way to the parking lot which is usually a pretty easy 2 mile hike from the dig site but she saw a deer and decided to follow it. There aren't a lot of animals in this area and she was bored of looking at the fossilized shells that were everywhere. Lexa decided to scale down a dried out creek bed and that's when she fell. Now she was alone at the bottom of a dried out creek bed. 

After a few minutes of rest she decided to try to stand again. Her ankle hurt but she was able to hobble a bit and she was used to working through the pain. Weakness was something she couldn't afford to show. She didn't want anyone's sympathy, it was always too much for her. Plus the parking lot wasn't too far from where she ended up and the dig site wasn't too far from campus so the drive wouldn't be too bad. She probably just needed to sleep it off. 

Walking back to her car she began to criticize herself for being so reckless. She could have seriously injured herself and there wasn't anyone around who would have known. Her room mate wouldn't even notice if she never came home because she hadn't really made an effort to get to know her too well. For the most part she liked to keep to herself, she had a few friends and that's how she liked it. 

Lexa was able to make it to the parking lot, the walk taking a lot longer than she was used to. The sun was starting to set and the weather began to change immediately. She got into her car and drove herself home. The on-campus apartment where she lived was about a 15 minute drive from the dig site. All she wanted to do was get home and fall into bed. 

When Lexa woke up the next day and she immediately regretted her “sleep it off” cure for her ankle. It was pretty swollen and starting to look a little purple. She rolled over and picked up a pair of loose fitting workout pants from a pile next to her bed. It was hot outside but she didn't want anyone to see her injury. She sat up in bed and got dressed.

Clenching her jaw, she tried to stand up on her own. She immediately regretted that choice, her ankle hurt more than she guessed. She fell back onto the bed and laid down, groaning in frustration. Driving to the hospital on her own was going to probably not going to happen. She'd have to ask her room mate for help which would be awkward because she rarely talked to her room mate. Better start now, she thought as she pushed herself off the bed again. She limped over to the door, ignoring her pain even though she could feel it with every step. Hopefully she was home otherwise this day was about to get very interesting. She knocked on her door. 

“Octavia? Are you there?” 

The door swung open, catching Lexa off guard. Octavia was wearing a periwinkle tank top and black shorts. She leaned on the door frame and smiled curiously. 

“Yes Lexa?” Her voice sounded a bit nervous but Lexa ignored that. 

“I need a ride to the ER. I hurt my ankle pretty bad at my internship yesterday. I'd drive myself but its my right ankle and I can't exactly drive with my left foot.”

Lexa felt like she was explaining too much but she couldn't stop herself. Octavias face immediately looked worried. 

“Oh wow. Umm give me a second to get ready. I actually have a guest over. I'll just take him with us, you've met Lincoln?” 

Lexa nodded and wasn't surprised at all. Her room mate, in the few conversations they'd had, always went on about this handsome guy she'd met. Octavia went back into her room, closing the door behind her. Lexa slowly limped to the couch and plopped down. 

She was nervous to drive as a passenger in the car of someone she didn't know so well. In an ideal situation she would drive herself to the hospital, she preferred to be in control when driving. That probably went for most things she did. Control was very important in her life, especially after.. She shook her head, trying not to think about that now. Right now she had to take care of her ankle so she could get to her internship on time in the afternoon. There were only a few weeks left of the summer internship and she wanted to make a good impression. Plus one of her closest friends was the TA for this internship and one of the classes she was going to take in the fall. She didn't want to disappoint her so close to the end. 

She heard a door open and stood up shakily. Octavia emerged from her room, followed by Lincoln who was, in fact, very attractive. He smiled awkwardly at her. She tried to smile back but wasn't sure if her expression came out as intended because he looked concerned.

“I actually have a pair of crutches left over from an old injury, you're welcome to use them, well if you need them” Octavia said and she also looked concerned. 

Lexa shrugged “ I might as well. I don't want to fall and hurt myself even more” Lincoln turned and went back into Octavia's room to fetch them. 

While he was away Lexa turned to Octavia and raised her eyebrows as a sign of approval. “He seems like a great guy”

Octavia smiled at her. “He really is! I haven't dated a guy as considerate as him before. I'm so used to jerks. Are you dating anyone? You spend a lot of time away from the apartment”

Lexa felt a pang of sadness and had to look down for a minute. “There isn't anyone at the moment. And my internship keeps me pretty busy anyway” 

It was a poor excuse but Lexa wasn't close enough with Octavia to give her the full rundown of why she was single. She also fibbed a bit about the internship consuming all of her time. A lot of her downtime was spent walking or jogging around a nearby nature preserve. She really enjoyed the sights and smells of the forest. 

Lincoln came out of Octavia's room holding a pair of crutches that were held together with duct tape and foam. He handed them over to her and she immediately put them to work. She tried them out and her ankle was still in significant pain but the crutches certainly help. 

“Thanks” Octavia smiled at her, again. She seemed to always be smiling.

“Lets see how well the stairs work out for you before we get too excited” They lived in a student apartment and they didn't have elevators. Lexa was a little nervous about the prospect of climbing down stairs in her current state but she didn't have another choice. She followed Octavia and Lincoln out the door, locking it behind them. 

Lincoln stopped and allowed her to go first. “I'll follow behind you, just in case you fall or something” he said, the look of concern back on his face.

Octavia turned around “And now we start our descent. Let us know if you need us to stop or slow down for any reason” 

Lexa noted the way Octavia referred to Lincoln and herself as a unit. They must have been dating for a while to feel so comfortable speaking for each other. She really needed to spend more time getting to know people.

The stairs weren't too bad, they stopped a few times to let Lexa rest her ankle. Her room mate drove an old Honda Accord with paint scratched off in a variety of places. Octavia unlocked her car and opened the door for Lexa to get inside the passenger seat. 

“You don't need to hold the door open for me, we're not going to prom” she tried to make it sound like a joke, something she sometimes had trouble with. 

Octavia laughed a bit and shrugged “Its not a problem.” 

Lexa wasn't used to the kind of warmth Octavia and Lincoln were showing her. Most of her life she'd kept to herself and didn't attempt to reach out to people she didn't know well. She got comfortable in her seat as Lincoln loaded the crutches into the trunk. The floorboards were cluttered with empty coffee cups and chip bags. She noticed that the car also had that burning plastic smell that a lot of older cars seemed to obtain. But it was a car and she was grateful so she wasn't about to judge.

Her room mate got into the car and started it up. “Do you have any musical preferences?” Lexa shook her head, she really didn't have a preference. She preferred certain artists over others but she wasn't picky about overall genres. 

Octavia chose a pop hits station and Lincoln began singing along after they had driven for a couple of minutes. She allowed herself to smile a bit at his off key rendition of Taylor Swift songs. The drive wasn't unpleasant, they lived in a very scenic area so everything was nice to look at. It was also a smaller town so everything was pretty close in proximity. 

They pulled into the ER driveway and Lincoln got out to help her. Once she was on her feet she turned to him “I can walk into the hospital from here, but thanks.” She didn't want to walk into the hospital in crutches. Octavia leaned over in her seat

“I'm going to take Lincoln home really quick. He lives pretty close so it shouldn't take too long.” Lexa nodded and waved as they drove off. 

She limped into the ER waiting room and filled out the paperwork the receptionist gave her. There were only two other people in the seating area so she figured the wait couldn't be too bad. She took a seat next to a table that was covered with out dated magazines. She picked the months old National Geographic from the pile and flipped through the pages.

“Lexa?” 

Unsure of what to do she raised her hand and hobbled towards the nurse. Her ankle was killing her but she did her best to not show that on her face. The nurse smiled and put a hand on her shoulder to guide her to the exam room. Lexa shied away from the touch, she wasn't really a touchy feely kind of person. 

“The doctor will be in here shortly. And he has a pre-med student shadowing him today, will that be a problem?” 

Lexa shook her head, she wasn't sure how to answer that question. What would happen if she said no? She was tired of waiting to see a doctor and just wanted to get the visit over with. The exam room was cold and covered with posters about protecting yourself from drugs and STD's. She laid down on the bed, cringing at the sound of the paper crinkling under her. Noises were something she tried to avoid making. Just as she was starting to fall asleep she heard the door handle start to move. She jerked up, afraid to be caught asleep in the exam room. That would be too embarrassing on top of everything else that had happened today. 

The doctor walked into the room followed by his intern. Lexa was slightly caught off guard by how attractive the student was. Her blonde hair was pulled into a messy bun and she was wearing a pair of plain teal scrubs but something about her captured Lexa's attention.

“My name is Dr. Nyko and this is Clarke, she's just here to observe. Your papers say you came in with an ankle issue? Mind telling me what happened?” 

Lexa swallowed hard, now incredibly embarrassed to explain how she fell into a creek bed and potentially broke something in her leg. 

“I fell while walking back from my internship. I work out at the research dig site.” 

The doctor sat down in a rollie chair and scooted over to her. “Lets take a look at the ankle, could you roll up your pants leg for me and take your shoe off?” 

Lexa did as he asked. Her ankle was horribly bruised and swollen. She inhaled quickly at the sight, it was worse than she thought. Dr. Nyko started to feel around her ankle and she winced in pain.

“This looks like it might be broken or dislocated, I'm surprised you were able to walk into the office or even managed to put a show on. I'm going to make a call to our radiology department to see if the can get you in for an x-ray today, its been pretty slow.” He smiled at her and then left the room but his intern stayed behind. 

She looked up from her notebook and grinned at Lexa. “I know some people who work at the research site. Digging for dinosaurs or whatever isn't really my thing but whatever floats your boat, right?” 

Clarke's tone was cheerful but Lexa was in pain and her patience was at its end so she wasn't really feeling open to conversation. 

“Actually we are looking more at prehistoric invertebrates at our station.”

She didn't mean to come off as blunt as she did but there was little she could do to help that fact. Clarkes smile started to fade, she realized that this pretty girl wasn't as friendly as she looked. Lexa noticed the change in her face but just stared at a poster warning her that sniffing markers would kill brain cells, hoping the doctor would come back so she didn't have to have a chance to look like even more of a jerk. She thought about apologizing for being rude but a few minutes had passed and that might make the tension in the room even worse. 

Eventually Nyko came back in with a wheelchair. “It looks like they'll be able to get you in right now. Clarke would you mind wheeling her down to radiology and then waiting for me there? I have one more patient to see and it shouldn't take too long” 

Clarke nodded. Lexas nerves started tingling and she felt slightly colder. For a moment she thought about refusing the wheelchair but her ankle hurt and her pride could afford the hit. Unfortunately she couldn't just leave the hospital out of embarrassment so she limped over and plopped down into the wheelchair. Clarke grabbed the handles and pushed her out into the hallway 

“So want to go fast down these halls? Its pretty empty during the day here.” She asked. 

Lexa looked up at her to see if she was being serious. She was. 

“I don't think thats safe. What if we run into another patient or what if you let go and I end up with more than a hurt ankle?” 

Clarke sighed. “I'm not asking to roll you down a hill, just a light jog to lighten things up. You seem really tense and nervous. I was trying to make your stay a little more comfortable” 

Lexa crossed her arms and hugged them to her chest. She noted that the intern really was trying to make her feel better. This girl didn't even know her but she still felt the need to help her out beyond the normal bedside matter type behavior.

“Okay maybe if we went a little fast.” Lexa said grudgingly. She didn't really like the prospect of booking it down the hallway when she wasn't in control but she didn't want to come off as a jerk. 

“Hold on tight and don't tell Dr. Nyko, he wouldn't approve of this” Clarke said as she started into a light jog, pushing Lexa in front of her.

Lexa gripped the armrests of the chair tightly. She really wasn't a fan of this kind of thing. She looked up at Clarke and almost laughed at the determined expression on her face. It was like she viewed getting her to her x-ray as some sort of competition. Clarke slowed down and stopped. Lexa started to get up out the chair and Clarke rushed to her side, grabbing her arm. Lexa moved her arm away.

“I got this, but thanks” Clarke raised her arms in a false surrender and backed away a little. 

She got out of the wheelchair and limped into the radiology. The intern followed her and went over to the nurse. “Lexa you can have a seat, it'll be a couple of minutes before they are ready for you” She didn't need to be told twice, she plopped into the nearest chair and leaned her head back a bit. 

Clarke sat across from her. “What is your major?” she asked. 

Lexa looked up at the ceiling for a second before answering. Of course she had to keep talking to her with a pretty unimaginative question. 

“I'm a junior ecology major with a focus in evolutionary biology” she hoped that was enough information for her. 

“Oh thats cool. I'm a junior biology major too, I'm doing the pre-med track but thats probably obvious. I'm surprised we haven't had any classes together yet.” 

She wasn't sure why this girl was so friendly but she was starting to welcome the distraction from her ankle so she decided it couldn't hurt to continue the conversation. 

“I'm not sure what exactly I want to do yet. I really enjoy working outdoors, well when the outdoors enjoys working with me I guess” she almost cringed at her own lame attempt at a joke. 

Clarke laughed anyway, it was a nice laugh, not a hint of mocking in it. “Well yeah that usually helps. Its hard to enjoy nature when it fights you.”

Lexa was about to respond when another nurse came in. “You ready to get that ankle looked at?” she nodded and got up to follow her. She stood up like normal and felt her ankle start to give out from under her. In an instant Clarke was there, helping her stand. She looked concerned. 

“Are you alright?”

Lexa clenched her jaw and nodded. “Yeah just give me a second to get my bearings” She said through gritted teeth. 

Steeling herself, she limped towards the open door the nurse was standing in. She took one last look at Clarke and smiled a bit. “Thanks for your help” 

The intern nodded “No problem, Dr. Nyko will probably be here when you get out. I can stay if you want.”

Lexa felt like she'd done enough to help so she waved her off “I'll be fine. Maybe I'll see you when school starts back up?”

Clarke nodded “Good luck with everything” The nurse took Lexas arm and directed her into the X-ray room. 

An hour and several stacks of paperwork later Lexa was able to leave the hospital. Her ankle was in a cast, she had a hairline fracture. Octavia was sleeping in the waiting room when she limped out. The cast made it easier to limp but she was starting to regret not bringing the crutches with her. She tapped her room mate on the shoulder to wake her. 

“Hey I'm ready to go if you are” she told her when she opened her eyes. 

Octavia looked down at her cast and frowned. “Well that doesn't look good.” 

Lexa tiled her chin up slightly. “It'll heal. I'm really not too worried.” Now that she had medicine and a cast she felt more in control. “My only concern is now I won't be able to drive to my internship.” 

They only had a few days left of the internship and Anya would understand but she still felt a tinge of guilt. 

“I'm sure your instructor won't mind. This kind of thing probably happens all the time” 

Lexa agreed but she wasn't really concerned for herself, she was more worried about letting her team and friend down. Octavia got up and pulled her keys out of her purse. 

“Lets head home. Do we need to pick anything up on the way?” Lexa shook her head. 

She just wanted to get home so she could email Anya to let her know the situation. She was also given some pain meds and was feeling drowsy. The ride back to their apartment was quiet, she guessed they both were tired from the trip. Hospitals could be pretty exhausting. 

Getting back up to their apartment was easier now that Lexas ankle was in a cast and she was on meds. She picked up her laptop which was sitting on the coffee table and retreated to her room. Her bed was a welcome sight after spending most of the morning in the ER. She laid down and opened her laptop to send an email to Anya. 

Again she felt guilty for bailing out of the internship a week early but their wasn't anything she could do to help that. Lexa covered herself with her blanket and rolled over in bed to face the wall. She was tired but she also felt like sleeping right now would be a waste of time. Her thoughts began to wander as they usually do when she had trouble sleeping. She started recalling the last time she was in the ER but quickly shut those thoughts out, if she started dwelling on that memory she wouldn't be able to sleep. Instead she thought about the kind intern who made it her personal mission to make her feel better. She hoped to cross paths with her again at some point so she could make a better impression on her. Maybe she was feeling something for this girl she'd only known for a few hours? She shook the thought from her mind and drifted off to sleep, remembering the last person who she had felt something for despite her desperation not to. 

The last few weeks of summer went by quickly now that Lexa was trapped in her apartment with her ankle. She longed to explore the rest of the parks in the area. The doctor told her that the cast could be removed a few days before school started and she was counting down the days until then. Anya came by a few times to drop off the textbooks she'd pre-ordered from the bookstore. Occasionally she'd stop by and bring her some dinner and they'd watch Netflix or some horrible movie that Anya insisted wasn't that bad.

Lexa was always glad for the company, Anya was one of her oldest friends. They'd met in summer camp when Lexa got into a fight with some kids who didn't think she was tough enough to go on a hike with them. She was on the losing end when Anya, who was a few years older, took it upon herself to break up the fight. Anya helped her out of the mud and offered to teach her some fighting basics she knew. It was like she could tell the younger girl was going to get into more scuffles before the summer was over. They'd been friends ever since, training at the same martial arts studio and now attending the same college for similar reasons. Anya was like a big sister to her and she was grateful. 

Anya came over the night before her cast was to be removed in order to drive her to the hospital in the morning. Octavia had gone on some camping trip with Lincoln.

“So are you excited to finally take a class that's relevant to your major? Professor Indra is tough but you'll learn a lot in her intro to evolutionary biology class. Plus I hear the TA is super nice” Anya elbowed her.

“ I don't know I think the TA is a bit of an ass” She smiled shyly as Anya feigned offense. 

She was always able to make her smile. “Because of that comment I'm going to make you watch some truly terrible movies. And I was going to make some excellent mac and cheese for my poor injured friend. Now I'm not sure if I should” 

Lexa couldn't help but laugh. Her friend would put on a terrible movie regardless, it was part of the routine. “What Oscar worthy film are we going to watch today?” she asked as Anya got up and went into the kitchen. 

“I was thinking about introducing you to the world of B-Movies. I brought over a couple of classics. Plan 9 from Outer Space and Robot Monster. Since we're celebrating the new school year and your cast getting removed I was going to let you choose.” 

She reached into the cupboard and removed a blue box of mac and cheese. Lexa rolled her eyes. “Can I just say that neither of those films sound good? But if I really get to choose I'm going for Robot Monster. Maybe a shorter title will yield a better result?” 

Anya laughed and clicked on the stove. She walked back into the living room and put the movie in. She tossed the cover at Lexa who immediately flipped it over to read the synopsis. As she suspected the plot sounded just as ridiculous as the title of the film. 

“Anya what is this even about? I can't figure it out from the back cover and that's making me nervous” 

Her friend laughed at her again. She poured the pasta into the boiling pot of water and began to stir. “Is this what makes you nervous now? A terrible film? Wow that ankle injury sure took the fight out of you” 

Lexa laughed softly but wasn't a fan of the direction the teases were going. The injury had made her appear weak and helpless and that was something she told herself she wouldn't let happen again. Anya noticed that her friend didn't respond to her taunts so she kept making their dinner.

Lexa tried to focus on the film but her mind wandered to the upcoming doctor appointment. She secretly hoped that the pretty intern would be there and maybe she could talk to her again. Her friend brought over two heaping bowls of mac and cheese and gave her a quizzical look.

“Why are you smiling like that? Are you in love with this movie already? It hasn't even gotten to the good part yet.” 

Lexa shrugged and took a bite of her dinner. Anya continued to stare at her, waiting for a response to her earlier question. She sighed 

“Okay fine, I was just thinking about my doctors appointment tomorrow. I can't wait to get the cast off” 

Anya raised her eyebrow at her and gave a small, knowing, nod. 

“And you are probably a little excited to see that intern you told me about” 

Lexa almost choked on her food. She looked up at her friend whose face had broken out into a huge grin. 

“Well I figured when you spent an unusually long time describing her that you were probably attracted to her. You don't usually go on about strangers like that.”

She sat up straight and rolled her eyes at Anya. “I do think shes cute but I barely know her. I don't have time to think about those kinds of things too much” 

She set her bowl down on the coffee table and leaned into the couch. Anya shrugged and stirred her macaroni around lazily. “Whatever you say. I just think its been a while and I'm just glad to see you happy.” 

Lexa didn't want to continue with the conversation so she tried to focus her attention on the movie. It was a ridiculous film and the plot was incredibly hard to follow so she found herself thinking about Anya's comment about how “its been a while”. It wasn't that simple, nothing ever was. She hadn't recovered enough to throw herself back into the dating world.

It had only been a few years, she was still grieving. She could barely bring herself to think about Costia and how quickly she had lost her. Costia wasn't a summer fling or some youthful romance, she was hers. And her accident and subsequent death had come out of nowhere and Lexa didn't have time to prepare. As her mind started reliving the phone call and ER trip she could feel her pulse quickening and her stomach dropping. She didn't want her friend to see her like this, Anya thought she had already recovered. She told Anya she needed to go to bed early and gave her some bullshit about how she was exhausted. 

Once in bed she knew she made a mistake, now she was alone with her thoughts again and nothing could stop her from reliving the nightmare. Her thoughts tended to go to the darkest places if she didn't distract herself. 

It happened the summer before their freshman year of college. Costia was on her way home from visiting some family who lived further north. Lexa was out on a walk and returned home to the news, Costia had been in a wreck and was on life support. Anya was the one who drove her to the hospital, her own parents didn't approve of the relationship and she couldn't go to them. Costia's mother greeted her in the waiting room with a hug and told her that it wouldn't be long, the doctors reported that she was brain dead. The next hour went by in a blur. Lexa stood at the foot of her bed as the doctors took out the tubes and turned off the machines that were keeping her alive. She'd never felt so helpless as the beeping that indicated life slowed and then stopped altogether. Even after three years she still couldn't erase the sights or sounds from that day from her mind, she probably never would. 

Grief was a natural part of life, Lexa knew that, but it was so difficult and it made her feel too much. She wanted the memories of her love but she didn't want the pain of knowing it was gone and she would never get it back. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think about Costia. The pain of the loss faded into a kind of sorrowful numbness after the first two years but the flashbacks from that night in the hospital still haunted her.


	2. Pleasantly Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School is starting up again and its time for the cast to come off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoy this. I'm always open for critique. (Sorry about the summary I really need to work on them)

“I can't believe you stayed up all night watching terrible movies.” Lexa said again as she heard her friend yawn deeply. 

Anya gave her one of the piercing looks she was known for. “It wasn't all night and they are classics. I'm the one who should be upset, you bailed on me before the first one was over” 

Lexa ignored her and changed the radio station. They were close to the hospital but she was holding out hope that some radio station was playing good music. A lot of morning shows were on or stuck playing upbeat disco music, neither of which were tolerable at the moment. She caught the last minute of a Beyonce song as they pulled into the patient drop-off.

“Door-to-door service? I don't have any cash for a tip” Lexa joked as she got out of the car. 

“I'll ignore that. And I'm going to park the car and then meet you in the waiting room. You said Dr. Nyko's office is on the third floor?” Lexa nodded and waved as Anya drove off. It wasn't a large hospital so she doubted her friend would get lost. 

The hospital was cold and full of all of the familiar smells, as usual. She walked over to the elevator and pressed the button. It didn't take long for the elevator to reach her, and she stood to the side to let the passengers out. 

“Lexa, right?”

She turned and was face to face with Clarke. And a boy who was standing really close to her. She felt a rush of, jealousy was it? There wasn't any need to be jealous she barely knew this girl and it didn't matter to her who she was with. She realized she was standing silent like a fool so she offered up a small smile. 

“Clarke. I'm here to get my cast off. I really should get going, I don't want to be late” 

Clarke waved off her comments. “Nyko won't care if you're a few minutes late, blame me. He'll understand.” 

Now she was uncomfortable. Talking to Clarke one on one was okay with her but she didn't know this boy. 

“So how have you been? I'm guessing you are probably pretty happy to get that thing off your leg. And the new semester starts in a few days which is kind of cool in its own way, if you're a dork like me” 

Lexa nodded. She didn't feel like saying anything at the moment. Clarke noticed and looked at her friend. 

“Oh, this is Bellamy. I should have introduced him first. Hes an old friend.” 

He reached out his hand. Lexa looked him in the eyes as she took it. He was staring intently at her. She didn't like it. Clarke was the uncomfortable one now. Lexa felt a tinge of guilt for causing that. 

“So we should let you go. I have to catch a bus anyway. Good luck with the new semester” Clarke waved goodbye and turned to leave. Bellamy looked at Lexa and nodded before he followed after her. 

“Bye” She managed to say at them as they walked away. 

The elevator already left so she waited in silence for it to come back. She didn't feel bad about the encounter, just how it made Clarke feel. She could tell that the intern was incredibly awkward. The sound of footsteps filled the empty hall and she looked over her shoulder to see Anya striding in. Her friend gave her a weird look. 

“Why aren't you in the doctors office already? You're going to be late and you'll have to change your 'I've gone 20 years without being late to anything” sign.” 

Lexa smiled. They'd always joked about her punctuality. Lexa was always early or exactly on time to everything. 

“I ran into the intern again. We talked for a bit.” 

So maybe it wasn't really a conversation but Anya would probably get annoyed with her if she knew how it went down. They climbed into the elevator. Anya was being unusually quiet, it was making her nervous.

“So is she single” she finally asked after the elevator reached the third floor. Lexa glared at her. 

“Its none of my business” and then a few seconds later she added “But she was with a boy, who was pretty attractive so I wouldn't be surprised if they were a thing” Anya didn't say anything else as Lexa walked into her appointment.

It went by quickly and soon they were on their way back to Lexas apartment. Anya proposed they stop by the liquor store on the way back and Lexa didn't really care what they did so she agreed. 

“One last party before we have to go back to school I say! Maybe you could call up some people to come hang out with us? Maybe even a certain someone who you seem to be fond of?” Her friend elbowed her playfully. Lexa groaned at her. 

“Would you let it drop already? I don't even have her number. I'm not looking, I've already told you.” Her voice was cold and direct. 

“Sheesh I was trying to lighten the mood. You've been acting like a brick all day. I could barely get two words out of you.” 

Anya was angry now and Lexa didn't care. She loved her friend dearly but she was done with the questions about this girl she barely knew. Anya was only pestering her because she was trying to help her get over Costia. It wasn't going to happen like it does in the movies, she wasn't going to meet someone who would fix her. Even if she found and fell in love with a new person it wouldn't magically cure her heartache and grief. Those were things that nothing could fix. She understood this and she wished her friend would as well. Anya finally broke the silence. 

“I apologize for being pushy. Lets just pick up some booze and a movie and forget about it, okay?” That plan appealed to her so she nodded. 

School started like it usually did, slow and painful. Lexa was excited for her classes but the loss of summer always made her feel a bit empty. She'd have less time to explore the local parks and have to focus more on school. Her first class was paleontology lab which she knew she would enjoy because it was mainly going to be self directed projects and research. Two years in college taught her that group projects and working in teams sucked. It wasn't that she minded working in groups, she was a natural leader, but she didn't like it when her group members let her down. The rest of her day went by quickly and soon she was home again. Octavia was already in the apartment cooking something that smelled Italian. 

“How was your first day? Make any new friends” she asked jokingly as Lexa threw down her bag. Lexa plopped on the couch. 

“It wasn't bad. Most of my classes ended early.” 

A crash came from the kitchen. Lexa jumped to her feet and saw her room mate picking up a broken bowl from the ground. 

“Woah its okay soldier. I'm okay. Nothings damaged except this poor thing.” 

Lexa swallowed and nodded. She sat back down and pulled out her phone so she could review her schedule for tomorrow. Her first class of the day was evolutionary biology with Professor Indra and Anya as the TA. She was excited about the class and comforted by the fact that she'd see Anya. Since homework wasn't assigned for the first day she retired to her room after dinner to catch up on a summer show she'd heard a lot about. She fell asleep after the third episode. 

“Oh man who is this loser who decided to beat everyone to class on the first day?” Lexa turned in her seat and smiled shyly at her friend. 

“I'm not even that excited about evolutionary biology. You really need some hobbies or something.” Anya was smiling widely at her. 

Lexa wasn't the only one who looked forward to the semester. “I'm early so I can establish where I want to sit this semester.” She said matter-of-factly.

“That and you are always early to everything. I get to sit in those awkward three seat rows in the front. Enjoy the view from back here.” 

She waved at her as she walked over to get the computer booted up for the professor. Lexa dug through her backpack and retrieved a green spiral and black pen to prepare for the day. The room started to get louder as more students started to arrive. It was a larger lecture hall so she guessed 80-100 students were probably in the class. She liked larger classes better, it was easier to blend in. 

One of the voices she heard was familiar. Her stomach dropped and she kept looking at the blank notebook sitting in front of her. Of course Clarke would take this course and of course it would be at the same time as her. Their last encounter had been very uncomfortable and awkward for everyone involved. She debated looking to see where Clarke was seated but decided against it. She didn't want to risk making eye contact with her, not just yet.

Another student sat next to her minutes before class started. She exhaled deeply and grinned at Lexa. “Made it with minutes to spare. There aren't many seats left or I wouldn't have broken the sacred 'sit next to no one' rule us college kids have. My names Raven by the way” 

Lexa looked at the person who chose to sit next to her. She was wearing a dirty red jacket and her face was also pretty dirty. 

“I'm Lexa.” 

Ravens eyes brightened. “Oh I know you! We had Bio 1 together freshman year. You were ridiculously smart. We should start a study group or something. I'm taking this class because I need more sciences but I'm an engineering major. I know some other engineering kids who are doing the same thing.” 

Their conversation was interrupted by professor Indra who started talking without warning. She explained how the semester was going to work and dismissed the class early. Lexa got up to leave but   
Raven called out to her. 

“Wait lets exchange numbers. The syllabus looks pretty intense, we should establish a study group early on.” 

Lexa really wanted to say no but she got the feeling Raven wouldn't take that for an answer. They exchanged numbers and Lexa went to her next class. A study group wasn't a bad idea. Lexa usually worked on her own but maybe it wouldn't be that bad. She was ready to try new things. 

The first week went by quickly. Raven texted her a couple of times and they'd decided to get some people together and meet every Saturday afternoon in one of the study rooms on campus. Lexa arrived early and used the quiet to look over notes before the others arrived. She wasn't sure who all was invited but she didn't really care. Raven sent her a text letting her know she'd be late. Lexa wasn't surprised. Her new friend was pretty much late every single day. A knock came from the semi-open door to the study room. 

“Is the group from Indras class meeting here?” 

Lexa recognized the voice she'd been avoiding the past week. She stood up and faced her new study buddy.

“Hey Lexa? I didn't know you were in this class or this study group.” she was looking at Lexas face, trying to read her expression. 

“Clarke. I didn't know who was coming.” She sat down and went back to reviewing her notes, unsure of what else to add. Clarke took the seat across from her. She wore her blonde hair down and it framed her face perfectly. It was hard to focus with her so close. 

She looked up after a few minutes and caught Clarke staring at her. 

“Is there something you need Clarke?” She asked , annoyed about the staring. Clarke leaned back in her chair and sighed. 

“Do you have a problem with me that I need to know about? You were cool the first time we met and now you're acting like I murdered your first born child” 

Lexa was taken aback by the anger in her voice. She wasn't expecting that. 

“I don't have a problem with you Clarke.” Lexa didn't know what else to say. She couldn't control how she appeared to others. 

“Okay well can we start over then? I'm Clarke, a pre-med major from Maryland” She held out her hand. Lexa took it 

“I'm also from Maryland, Washington D.C area.” 

Clarkes eyes brightened. “Thats so cool. I don't know too many people who didn't grow up in this place. I grew up in Frederick but we moved to D.C during my last year of high school for my moms work. Shes a doctor, kind of why I'm doing this.” 

Her warmth helped Lexa to ease up a bit. She'd been tense all week in anticipation. “My parents never approved my choices. They wanted me to go into business or become a lawyer, something with an easy payout.” She wasn't sure why she felt comfortable sharing with this girl but she did. 

“Wow that must really piss them off.” Her voice sounded genuinely concerned. 

“I wouldn't know. We haven't talked much since I moved here. Its better to cut those kinds of people out of your life” She noticed that she was gripping her textbook so hard her knuckles turned white. 

“But they're your parents? Surely disagreeing about something like that is easy enough to overcome. I don't get along with my mother but cutting her off would be too difficult”

Lexa felt a rush of anger. She wasn't the one who cut off contact and it wasn't just over her career choice. After Costia died she came out to them. She didn't want to dishonor her memory by hiding in the shadows and pretending Costia was a close friend. That wasn't fair to her. 

“Things aren't always as simple as they appear” was all she added to the conversation. She didn't know Clarke and didn't want to share her entire life story. Clarke took the hint. 

The rest of the group arrived late and together. The fact that they were late annoyed Lexa but she didn't say anything. Raven, a dark-haired girl and two guys finished up their study group. Clarke greeted Raven with a hug and punched the two boys on the shoulder. 

“Were you guys the reason the groups late?” Her smile lit up her whole face as she greeted them. 

The taller boy had a goofy grin on his face. “It was all Monty. He partied a little too hard last night.” 

Monty rolled his eyes. “It won't happen again I promise. Just a little celebrating.” 

Clarke laughed. Lexa found herself smiling, the laugh was full of so much warmth. The dark-haired girl with them waved awkwardly at Lexa from across the room. 

“I don't think we've met? I'm Maya.” 

Lexa opened her mouth to speak but Raven answered for her. “This is Lexa. She's the first day of class friend I told you about.” 

She stood up as Raven introduced her. There wasn't a reason to be shy and she didn't want to give that impression.

“I'm Jasper, this is Monty. We're engineering dorks like Raven.”

Lexa didn't like the way he stared at her. It was obvious he found her attractive from his body language and tone of voice. She shook his hand like she would if she were in a business meeting. 

“We should go ahead and get started studying. I don't want to be stuck here on a Saturday”

She said coldly as she took her seat again. Jasper took the seat next to her and Monty rolled his eyes at him. Obviously his friend thought his pursuit was ridiculous as well. The others sat around the table and pulled out their notes. From a glance it was obvious that Clarke was the only other group member with efficient note-taking skills. She wasn't sure Jasper even knew how to take notes judging from the mess of a paper he had in front of him. The group sat in silence, staring awkwardly at each other. Clearly no one wanted to lead this. Lexa cleared her throat and took initiative. 

“Our first quiz is next week. Indra made it perfectly clear that it won't be easy, even if its the second week of school. I think we should review the lecture material and read ahead.” Her voice was strong and clear, something she prided herself in. 

They studied for about an hour before the conversation started to digress into weekend plans. Raven, surprising, was the biggest culprit. Lexa knew they wouldn't fall back in line easily and she didn't know them well so she continued reading and tried to block them out. She felt someone staring and looked up. Clarke was staring at her again, trying to read her. She stared back in silence this time. She wouldn't be the one to break the silence this time. Clarke broke eye contact and addressed the group. 

“Lets move this party back to my place? I think we're not going to get anywhere else today. We don't even know what the questions are going to look like yet.” She looked at Lexa again and added “Join us, we're probably going to play Mario party or watch Netflix. You're part of the group now” 

She wanted to make up an excuse and retreat back home. It was a successful day so far. She'd managed to study and socialize a bit. The group wasn't too bad. Noisy and unfocused but not a bad group of people overall. Clarke was waiting for response. Her eyes pleaded with her to say yes and she was having trouble forming the words to say otherwise. 

“Sure. I can't stay out too late, I have plans” Lexa felt the need to add a disclaimer, an out just in case things went bad. 

Clarke’s face brightened. “Okay well I live off-campus. Mountain View Apartments, its the big student housing place just down the road”

Lexa nodded, everyone knew that place. They advertised their student friendly living space like they'd discovered electricity. 

They walked, as a group, out of the library and into the parking lot. She turned to walk to her car and heard footsteps behind her. Raven was jogging to to catch up. 

“I'll ride with you.” They were too far from the other group for Lexa to say no. 

Her car wasn't anything special. It was a silver truck she'd managed to save up for in high school and it was probably one of her most prized possessions. Raven jumped in and immediately started playing around with the radio. She obviously didn't care about boundaries. Lexa liked her forwardness and sense of self. She was almost envious of it. Raven chose a rock station and leaned back. They sat in silence until a song Lexa didn't recognize started playing and Raven spoke up. 

“Hell yeah! Now this is weekend music.” She started dancing and Lexa kept her eyes on the road. She didn't know what to. Raven bumped her with her dancing and Lexa stiffened.

“Don't you know this song? Its a classic! Don't You Want Me by The Human League. I think its their only hit” Raven laughed the sentence. 

“Please don't touch me while I drive” She spoke as calm as she could. The last thing she wanted to do was scare off her new friend. She did not like distractions while she was driving. It was one of the only things that truly bothered her. 

Raven stopped dancing. “Oh man, I'm sorry.” Her voice sounded like she was being sarcastic but Lexa let it go. 

Mountain View Apartments lived up to their hype. They were newer than Lexa's place and she swore they were shining in the sunlight. Each building had a different cheezy name like “Rivers Edge” or “Forest Trail”. Clarke lived in the one called “Cliff Point”. She parked the truck and Raven jumped out. “Clarke lives on the second floor. It looks like they beat us here.” Lexa followed her up the stairs. She was nervous but she put on a brave face. Raven went inside the apartment without knocking and Lexa followed her inside awkwardly. 

The inside was just as nice as the outside. It was huge, larger than anything Lexa had seen before including the apartment she grew up in. All of the furniture matched and resembled something out of a Pottery Barn ad. Clarke kept the apartment clean. The rest of the group was lounging on the couch and chairs in the living area. Raven threw herself across Monty, Jasper and Clarke who were sitting on the couch. They laughed and tried to push her off but she fought back. Clarke laughed the loudest 

“Raven get your bony ass off of me”

Lexa allowed herself to smile at their hijinks. She had to admit they were a lively bunch, Anya would definitely like them. There was an open chair next to the couch and she took it. It was close to Clarke which made her heart beat a little faster but she pushed her nerves aside. She pulled her phone out to check for any messages while Raven and the others goofed around on the couch. Eventually Monty spoke up 

“We should play Super Smash Bros. Maya and Lexa haven't hung out with our group before and what better way to show who we really are?” 

Everyone else was for the idea so Lexa nodded. She hadn't played video games in years but their enthusiasm was rubbing off on her. 

Clarke had a Wii U and one of the new GameCube controller extenders so the whole group could play. Lexa knew the system and accessories weren't cheap so she began to wonder just how rich Clarke was. The controllers were handed out and Lexa chose a GameCube one because it seemed like the easiest to figure out. The only other person she'd played video games with was Costia and that was years ago. 

“I call Luigi and no one else better try to take him” Jasper declared as the game started up. 

Clarke and Raven fought over who got to play as Zelda. Monty chose Samus and the group laughed, apparently it was his go to player. Maya went for Mario and Jasper teased her about it 

“Its the only video game character I recognize!” 

The rest of the group waited on Lexa to make her choice. She only recognized the Pokemon because that’s the game she used to play with Costia when they were younger. The charizard was always her favorite so she stuck with it. 

The countdown started and all friendships were put on hold as the arena erupted into chaos. Lexa figured out the point of the game quickly, destroy everyone else and stay alive. She didn't really know how to use the controls so she frantically pressed the buttons that looked useful. The others were laughing and making vague threats towards each other. Lexa kept intently watching the game unfold. She took out Jasper and Maya easily with the help of a very musical hammer. 

A few more minutes passed and only Monty, Clarke and Lexa remained. Raven held on as long as she could but Princess Peach was taken out Monty and a super hammer. Clarke was able to knock Monty out of the arena and that left her and Lexa. She almost laughed at how ridiculous it was that she was one of the final players. A dragon and a princess. Lexa was able to knock Clarke out of the game by picking up something that turned out to be a power up. She put the remote down and threw her arms up in triumph and turned to look at the others who appeared shocked. 

“Who would have guessed you were a cut throat video game player? Its always the quiet ones, right?” Clarke laughed. 

Lexa smiled shyly back. The group played a few more rounds before they grew bored. Monty and Jasper switched out systems and got out some military game to play. Raven decided to play with them which left Lexa, Clarke and Maya as spectators. The game they picked didn't interest Lexa in the slightest. She pulled out her phone again and scrolled through her email and some news sites. 

Clarke stood up and yawned “Lets play Uno or something. I'm sure I have a deck around here somewhere. Low tech entertainment” 

Again Clarke had taken it upon herself to try to make everyone happy. She started to clear off a table in the dining and Maya got up to help. Lexa followed her, unsure of what to do. Clarke started to deal out the cards as Lexa took a seat. She couldn't explain why but she felt safe around Clarke. Her warmth and laughter made Lexa feel something she'd thought she'd lost. An angry yell broke her from her thoughts and she realized she'd been staring at Clarke. A quick look around reassured her that no one was watching so she casually went back to watching Clarke explain the rules to Maya. She knew she should pay attention to the rules as well but she was finding it hard to concentrate. 

“Okay I'll go first to show you how its done. I still can't believe you've never played Uno before. I didn't think it was possible.” 

Lexa enjoyed how caring Clarke was. Even when she was teasing someone, she never took it too far. A few rounds of Uno taught them that playing the game in small numbers wasn't any fun. They soon turned their attention back to the rest of the group. Monty and Jasper were engaged in some kind of debate 

“Okay but seriously whats the worst way to die? Like video game or real life? I think getting shot in the head would be the worst because you'd die quickly so no final words” Jasper was still focused on the games as he spoke. Lexa didn't like the turn in the conversation. Death was still a touchy subject for her. 

Raven scoffed at his suggestion “I think getting eaten by an animal would suck. Can you imagine the conversation at your funeral?” 

The mention of a funeral brought Lexa back to Costias and she felt her stomach drop and her heart race. She needed to leave. Her hands were starting to tremble a bit as she stood up from where she was sitting. She turned around and found herself face to face with Clarke. 

She swallowed and forced herself to talk 

“I need to go. I promised to pick up my friend from work” 

Lying wasn't something she particularly enjoyed doing but it was something that came easy for her. Clarke looked into her eyes and it was like something clicked. 

“I'll walk you out. Guys, please don't lock me out of my house again or I swear you'll regret it.” She followed Lexa out onto the stairs and cleared her throat. 

“Who was it? That you lost, I mean” 

Lexa froze and bit back the angry response that she wanted to say. It wasn't any of her business and yet she couldn't lie to Clarke. This girl had some kind of hold on her and that was frightening. She barely knew her. 

“My girlfriend died a few years ago. How could you tell?” 

She asked the question but knew the answer. Clarke lost someone too. It wasn't hard to read that from her expression and tone. 

“I lost my father not too long ago. The way you reacted when they brought up death told me all I needed to know. If you ever want to talk or maybe just hang out one on one let me know.” 

Clarkes eyes were soft and it took a lot for Lexa to tear herself away from them. She hated being vulnerable in front of other, even those she'd known for a while. She was supposed to be the strong one. But she couldn't hide from Clarke and part of her didn't want to. 

“I'll have to take you up on that offer.” Lexa returned Clarkes gaze and tried to keep herself cool. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she was having trouble breathing. 

She took a few steps back to put some distance between them hoping that would help. Clarke stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Lexa who stiffened. Hugging wasn't one of her strong points. Unsure of how to proceed she returned the hug and waited. Neither of them pulled way for a while and Lexa panicked a little inside. Friends hug, this wasn't anything more than that. For some reason she didn't believe that. This hug was going on too long and it was full of too much emotion for her. She finally pulled away and looked at Clarke. She was staring right back at her and Lexa couldn't read her expression. 

“I should get going.” She muttered. 

Clarke nodded and waved awkwardly as she left. Lexa took a deep breath in and walked down the stairs. Her legs were a little shaky from the talk. 

What just happened? She shouldn't have let it go on that long. Clarke probably could sense something was up. She shouldn't let her get to her head like this. They'd only had a few conversations. That wasn't a good reason for her to deny how she felt and she knew it. With Costia the feelings had come immediately. Was that what this was? Was she really feeling something that strong for Clarke? They seemed to understand each other which wasn't something that came easily for most people. She saw some of her own grief reflected in Clarke. Even Anya had trouble understanding why it took her so long to move on. 

Lexa got into her truck and put her head on the steering wheel and tried to push away what she was feeling. She needed to focus on something else or this would consume her. She wasn't thinking logically. There was no way she already fell for Clarke. This wasn't how it worked. As much as she wanted to deny it she didn't feel right. A crush couldn't bring her that much pain. Not after the years she'd gone without one. For now she'd see how everything played out before she made any decisions.


	3. Cannonball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finals soon so the next update probably won't be until after May 8th. **Second update- I'm going to try to finish chapter 4 by Monday May 18th.

Professor Indra handed out the quiz and Lexa was a little too excited to take it. The first quiz of the semester woulds set the tone for the kinds of questions they could expect to see in the course. She was so focused in on taking the quiz that she almost forgot that Clarke was sitting just a few rows behind her. 

Almost. 

It didn't take her long to finish it, she'd prepared for it and they hadn't covered a lot of material so far. She turned it in and rushed out of the classroom. Clarke was walking up to the front of the room and Lexa acted like she didn't notice her. She didn't trust herself around her. Her stomach twisted every time she saw her and she felt sick. This crush was becoming more and more of a problem. 

She was exhausted at the end of the day and decided to head home. Usually she spent some time in the library after her last class let out but she wasn't feeling it today. The apartment smelled like pine trees when Lexa arrived home. Octavia was in cleaning mode which typically meant she was having someone over, most likely Lincoln. 

She enjoyed her room mate and Lincoln. They were really nice people and they always tried to include Lexa in whatever they were doing. Some times they would just sit around in silence and study. She enjoyed that kind of social activity. 

“Welcome home. I'm having my brother over later for dinner. I think you've actually met him before. His names Bellamy. He hangs out with the people from your study group ” 

Lexa was a little embarrassed that she didn't know her room mate had a brother in town. And the only encounter she'd had with Octavias brother was awkward and strangely intense. The fact that he'd mentioned it to her was kind of mortifying. 

“Thats okay. I'm actually going to hang out with Anya.” Her friend had a presentation over some research she'd been working on this weekend. Lexa had offered to help her prepare and provide moral support. 

Octavia looked up from the dishwasher. “Okay. If you guys want to join us I think he's going to be here at 7:30” 

Lexa nodded. Now she knew how long to stay out to avoid running into Bellamy again. She wasn't in the mood to spend time with a new person. Not after the last encounter they had. 

Anyas apartment was a mess as usual. Luckily she lived alone so there wasn't another poor soul who had to deal with papers thrown across the kitchen table and empty coke cans everywhere. Lexa set her bag down on a chair. She didn't trust the floor. Anya smiled at her as she walked in and gestured her over to the couch. 

“I think I have the presentation slides finished up. Please take a look at them?” 

Lexa sat next to her and grabbed her laptop. The slides were way too text heavy and the colors were headache inducing. It was going to be a long night. 

They worked on the presentation until 2am and Lexa called it a night. Anya yawned and waved her goodbye. “Thanks for all of your help. I'll see you in class I guess. And on Saturday?” 

Lexa smiled. “I wouldn't miss it for the world.” Anya laughed and turned back to her computer. 

The lights were off when Lexa got back to the apartment. She put her bags down and turned the kitchen light on to get a glass of water. Something moved in the living room and she whipped around grabbing a knife from the block on the counter. 

Octavias brother stood in the doorway of the kitchen . His arms were folded across his bare chest and his mouth was turned up in a smirk. 

“Shit, I was just going to say hi. I'm Bellamy, we met at the hospital.” He whispered at her. He didn't want to wake Octavia.

She put the knife back in the block and sighed. “I thought you were an intruder. I didn't know you were staying here. You shouldn't creep up on people in their own house” She whispered angrily back at him. 

He rolled his eyes at her and went back into the living room. “Whatever I'm going back to bed. I'll probably be here when you wake up tomorrow, try not to threaten me then too” 

Lexa didn't like his attitude. He was cocky and that wasn't a trait she appreciated from anyone. Hopefully he wouldn't be there by the time she woke up the next day. 

She lucked out and the apartment was empty when she left her room in the morning. It was too early for confrontation and she didn't want to be late to class. The lecture went by quickly. Lexa gathered up her notes and loaded her backpack up. She wasn't fast enough and Clarke was able to catch up with her. 

“Hey Lexa. I tried talking to you the other day but you were in a hurry or something.” Her voice was upbeat. 

“Clarke. I apologize. Is there something you wanted?” She tried to sound chipper but her voice came out impatient. 

“Yeah I was wondering if you wanted to hang out Friday night?” Lexas heart fluttered. 

Was she asking her out? She panicked a bit and swallowed before she answered. “That sounds fine. Your apartment or somewhere else?” 

Clarkes face lit up. “Yeah my place at six. I guess I'll see you then! Have a good rest of the week, I have a class to get to.” She turned and walked away.

Lexa found herself smiling too. Maybe she hadn't imagined the connection between them the other night. She was nervous to spend time alone with Clarke but she pushed her nerves aside. This would be good for her. 

The rest of the week went by and Lexa grew increasingly nervous. Anya came over Friday afternoon to finish practicing for her presentation. She had trouble focusing on her friend and kept drifting to what she would wear. Anya noticed and spoke up 

“Am I boring you with this? Because I apologize but you're the one who volunteered to help out.”

Lexa shook her head “No, I actually kind of have a date tonight. With Clarke.” 

She braced for Anya to absolutely lose it. There was a moment of silence and Lexa looked over at her friend. Anyas face was spread into a huge grin. Lexa wanted to punch her but she found herself smiling too. 

“I told you! You were so concerned that she was dating that Bellamy character. But I told you to hold out hope!”

She closed her laptop and stood up. Lexa looked at her quizzically. Anya put her hands on her hips and returned her stare. 

“Well I'm not going to be able to focus now that you dropped that bomb on me. We are going to have to pick out an outfit for you and everything” 

Lexa ran her hands through her hair and leaned back into the couch. She shouldn't have told Anya until after the date. Her friend went into her room and Lexa got off the couch and to see what was she was up to. 

Anya stood in Lexas closet with an armful of clothes. She threw them on her bed and started going through her shoes. Lexa laughed and picked up a green dress shirt from the pile. 

“I know how to dress myself Anya. I'm not a kid going to my first day of school. I'm pretty sure I can pick out a nice outfit”

Her friend dumped another load of clothes on the bed and raised an eyebrow at her. “I'd trust you but its been a while since you've had a first date.” 

She pulled out a nice pair of jeans from the pile and threw them at Lexa. “Try those on with that shirt you're holding. Luckily you dress so fancy most of the time so this is actually a lot easier than I thought it would be”

Lexa changed into the outfit and stood awkwardly in front of Anya. Her friend looked her up and down and threw up a thumbs up. 

“Thats going to work. Classy and casual all in one. Just wear a pair of black flats with it and I'm sure you'll be fine.” Lexa didn't need help and would have picked the outfit anyway but she let her friend have her fun. Anya liked to feel useful. 

Lexa took a deep breath and knocked on the door to Clarkes apartment. She pushed her nerves aside and put on a brave face. There was a lot of noise coming from the other side of the door and for a moment Lexa thought she was at the wrong place. The door knob turned and she took a step back. Clarke opened the door and she was wearing athletic shorts and shirt from the university. There were people in her apartment and Lexa could smell pizza. 

And then it clicked. This wasn't a date, it was a party. She wanted to turn and run but now it was too late. This was too much for her. She took another breath and tried to play off her surprise. 

“Clarke, its nice to see you. I hope I'm not too early.” 

Clarke smiled and gave her a quick hug. “There is no such thing as too early here. Come on in, I hope you are ready to party. Monty brought the good booze.” Lexa followed her inside and put her purse down on the table. 

Raven looked at her weird when she saw her. “You are really dressed up. This isn't a preppy kind of event.” 

Lexa looked down at her feet and tried to think of a witty response but came up blank. She shrugged and surveyed the room. The usual members of the study group were gathered around the TV playing Mario Kart. She groaned internally when she caught a glimpse of Bellamy sitting next to Jasper. This night was going to be a new experience for her. 

Monty paused the game and turned around in his seat. “The whole party is here now, lets do a round of shots!” 

He jumped up and went into the kitchen. He came back out with a huge bottle of some cheap vodka and a stack of plastic shot glasses. The rest of the group joined them around the dining room table and grabbed a shot. Lexa was unsure about doing shots, she wasn't much of a drinker. 

She looked around the table to see what everyone else was doing and caught Bellamy laughing about something with Clarke. A spark of jealously ran through her and she picked up a shot. It was going to be a long night. Everyone cheered and did a shot. Lexa did hers last and winced. It was a pretty disgusting vodka. Jasper patted her on the back. 

“I can't believe you are doing shots!! I never pegged you as the party type. Was I wrong or what?”

He poured another round and she picked hers up and went for it. She was going to need a little help to get through this party. Especially now that Clarke and Bellamy seemed so cozy together. Jasper and Monty cheered as she did one more and sat on the couch. 

She felt a nudge on her shoulder and looked up. Raven handed her an bottle of beer. “You should drink a chaser after doing three shots in a row. It'll help. Maybe take it a little slower, they haven't even brought the jello shots out yet” 

Lexa smiled at her. She grabbed the bottle and leaned into the couch. It was cool in her hands. Her nerves were making her sweat. The room was starting to look a little fuzzy and she realized she was already pretty buzzed. Drinking wasn't really something she did on a regular basis. The occasional beer with Anya but never shots. 

The party and drinking went on for several hours. Lexa was pretty drunk by the second hour and decided to stay on the couch. Maya was the designated driver for everyone and she started to gather up the drunk kids. Bellamy got up to follow them out and Clarke walked with him. 

Lexa rolled her eyes. She was super tired and really drunk so she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. In her current state she didn't even realize that she was the last one in the apartment. When Clarke came back into the apartment she sat down next to Lexa on the couch. 

“Lexa you are welcome to stay the night. The couch is yours, just don't throw up on it.” 

Lexa nodded and giggled at the thought of throwing up. That wasn't something she was going to allow even if she was wasted. Clarke smiled with her. 

“Why aren't you like this all of the time? You always have your guard up. You don't need to drink to be comfortable around us. We are nice people, I promise.” 

Clarkes voice had taken a serious note. Lexa sighed and leaned even further into the couch. 

“I don't always keep my guard up.” She protested. Clarke gave her look. 

“Okay tell yourself that. You just seem uncomfortable around everyone. Like you are afraid of letting anyone getting close to you” 

Lexa yawned and adjusted how she was sitting. “I'm not afraid of anything” 

Clarke laughed sleepily at her. She leaned her head on Lexas shoulder and started to doze off. Lexa was too tired to say anything so she let herself fall asleep too. 

She woke up and was confused by her surroundings. This was not her bed or her apartment. The memories of last night came flooding back to her and she groaned. 

It took her a second to get her bearings and she realized Clarke was still leaning on her. She was still asleep and Lexa didn't want to wake her. She also had a ringing headache but overall felt surprisingly good considering how much she drank. Her jealousy was out of control last night and she had weirdly tried to prove her own by taking shots left and right. Hopefully Clarke wouldn't say anything about that. She was usually pretty good at keeping her emotions in check but that all went out the window around this girl. 

Lexa looked down at Clarke who was still sound asleep. Her blonde hair was a fluffy mess and Lexa could only guess that hers probably looked worse. She felt her phone buzz and gently pulled it out of her pocket. It was already 11am and Anyas presentation was scheduled for noon. 

“Shit” Clarke stirred at the sound of her voice and she woke up. 

“Good morning.” Her voice was rough and she wasn't smiling for once. 

Lexa pushed away how weird it was to be the only one left in the apartment. She had other things to worry about at the moment. 

“Clarke its late in the morning and I have to get to Anya's presentation or she'll kill me.” Clarke squinted at her and stretched her arms above her head. 

“Give me a moment to wake up, shit last night was totally worth it but shit.” She slowly sat up and looked at her watch. “Fuck, I was going to go to that too. I bet we can still make it.” 

Lexa stood up and stretched. The couch was comfortable but it wasn't really a place to sleep. Her neck was sore from the way she slept. She ran a hand through her hair to try to smooth it out some. That didn't work so she quickly braided it. 

“I can drive us to the presentation if you still want to go.” She offered as Clarke stood up. 

“That would be awesome. Let me find my shoes really quick. I was pretty drunk last night I guess.” She put her shoes on standing up and Lexa had to stop herself from laughing at how ridiculous she looked hopping around. Clarke straightened her shirt which had ridden up and looked up at Lexa. She quickly averted her gaze and silently prayed Clarke didn't see. 

“Lets head out then! I don't want to be late to this thing” 

It wasn't a long drive but Clarke wanted to hook up her iPod and Lexa didn't protest. Lexa was usually pretty protective about the kinds of music she listened to while she was driving but she wanted to trust Clarke. She put on Beyonce and Lexa let out a relieved sigh. Thank God she didn't listen to terrible music. 

“I hope last night wasn't too much for your taste. Although you seemed to hold your own well enough.” 

Lexa quickly glanced to see if she was teasing her. She couldn't really tell.

“Its not the first party I've been to. I'm not a stranger to drinking” 

Clarke laughed “Yeah that was pretty obvious” She felt herself blush. Her behavior last night was out of character but no one really knew her so nobody picked up on it. 

“You guys seem pretty close, how long have you know each other?” 

She didn't specifically name names but she hoped to get clarification on the Bellamy situation. And she was genuinely curious about their group. Larger groups of friends don't always stay that close, she'd learned that lesson in high school. 

“I met most of them in some of my freshman classes. And I met Raven and Bellamy through my ex. He didn't work out but they did” 

Her voice lost its cheery tone when she mentioned her ex. Lexa made a note of that. It was still a touchy subject for Clarke so she didn't press for more information. 

“Its great that you guys still hang out.” She wasn't sure what else to add to the conversation. There was a bit of a lull and they drove in silence for a bit. Lexa wanted to start another conversation but she didn't know how to begin. She usually didn't mind the silence but she enjoyed talking with Clarke and it was unsettling. 

They drove in silence for a ways before Clarke spoke up again. 

“My ex was a great guy for the first few months we dated. We did all of the usual relationship things and then things got a little more serious. I had trouble keeping up with the speed of it. But he didn't. We dated for a long time and we were happy. And then he started to change. He stopped putting effort into our relationship and wasn't the same person. I couldn't pretend it was the same and I broke it off. The last thing he told me before he moved away was that he loved me. I know it was my choice and I shouldn't feel guilty but its hard getting over something that lasted that long. And I can't help but blame myself for why he moved schools.” 

Lexa didn't know how to respond to the information dump so she kept looking forward. “You don't owe me an explanation Clarke. You made the right choice for yourself, that's what matters” 

She was stiff with anticipation for Clarkes response. She hoped she didn't overstep any boundaries. 

“Thanks for that, Raven was mad at me for a while after the breakup and Bellamy wanted me to give him another chance. I guess I haven't had a lot of opportunities to talk about it. I hope this didn't put a damper on your day” 

Lexa shook her head. She was great at listening to conversations, less so at contributing. “I don't mind. You can talk to me when you want” 

She looked over at Clarke and they made eye contact for a split second before Lexa turned her attention back to the road. 

“Do you know what this presentation is over? I think my memory of it died last night” Clarke changed the conversation. Lexa nodded and was secretly relieved. She'd offered her ear for venting but was a little uncomfortable about the whole concept. It was more of a spur of the moment decision. 

“Its basically an overview of this research study Anya and Professor Indra worked on over the summer. I helped Anya prepare for it.” 

Clarke yawned. “So you're friends with the TA? Thats pretty cool. I guess you can fill me in on anything we miss then?” 

Lexa smiled and glanced at Clarke again. She was looking out the window and the sun was shining through her hair, giving her a bit of a glow. 

“I've known Anya for a long time, she's from the same area as us. She's a sister to me.” The last part was a piece of unnecessary information but she didn't want Clarke to think their relationship was anything but platonic. 

They arrived with a few minutes to spare. Lexa walked towards the lecture hall Anya was assigned to for her presentation. She was presenting some research study she'd been working on with Professor Indra. The hall wasn't too packed so they were able to get seats close to the front.

Anya was already on stage setting up as they took their seats. Lexa waved at her but she was too busy to notice. Her friend actually looked nervous for once. She wanted to offer her reassurance but she knew Anya would shrug it off and probably tease her for being concerned. The lights dimmed and Anya took center stage. Her presentation was only an overview of what they'd worked on so it wouldn't last too long. 

Lexa found herself spacing out and thinking about how she would spend the rest of her day. She needed to pick something up from the paleontology lab before they left. Hopefully Clarke wouldn't mind the detour.

The presentation ended and they waited for Anya in the hallway outside the auditorium. She emerged with an armful of folders and papers. 

“Oh hey! Did you enjoy that? Pretty enticing shit huh?” She smiled at Lexa and looked Clarke up and down. 

“You must be Clarke, the hospital intern. Did you guys have fun last night?” 

Lexa gave Anya a look. She tried to make eye contact with her to stop any further thoughts she would spill. She hadn't had a chance to tell Anya that the date was a mix-up. And she was wearing the same outfit she'd worn over to Clarkes so as far as Anya could tell, the 'date' went well. Clarke spoke up first. 

“Yeah, I learned that Lexa can do shots as well as anyone else. And she's not very good at Mario Kart. You should have come!” 

Anya looked at Lexa with a quizzical expression. “Well I didn't want to show up to this thing hungover, Indra would've killed me.” She let out a relieved sigh, Anya was a gift sometimes. 

“Maybe next time, want to get lunch or something?” 

Clarke suggested. Anya patted the folders under her arm and shrugged. 

“I actually have a very important date with these and Indra. She wants to go over my presentation. Never a moments rest with her. I'll see you around though!” She gave Lexa a quick hug and was on her way. 

Lexa turned to Clarke “I hope you don't mind but I need to pick up something from the paleontology lab. I've been working on excavating some of the old samples they've recently uncovered in the workshop.” Clarke nodded and smiled.

“Yeah I don't really have anything planned today. Plus I've always wanted to see the paleontology labs. Thats where a lot of the cool shit is” 

Lexa led the way to the labs. They were located in a basement under the science building. On the weekends the lab was empty, especially this early on in the semester. The whole lab room was covered in a thick layer of brown dust from the casts that were stored there. Lexa had a workspace in one of the back corners. 

“Here we are, its not a lot to look at but its like my second home” Lexa picked up the folder she'd left the last time she'd be in lab. Clarke walked around to the lab table where Lexas specimen was. She gently traced the outline of what Lexa had uncovered. 

“Its almost like an art form, isn't it” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she examined the specimen. Lexa watched as she leaned closer to the fossil and looked it over. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she stared intensely at it. She walked over and stood next to Clarke. 

“The creature was a kind of ammonite. I've only uncovered a small part of it so far.” 

Lexas heart pounded in her ears, she was too close to Clarke. She took a step back to try to put some distance between them. Clarke turned around and looked at her in awe. Her eyes were sparkling, at least they looked that way to Lexa 

“This is amazing Lexa. Its so beautiful.” 

She searched Clarkes face for a moment and made her decision. In a swift move she gently grasped the back of Clarkes head and pulled her in for a kiss.

She closed her eyes and kissed her deeply hoping that she wasn't imaging the spark between them. It was slow and she panicked a little as Clarke took her time to react. She started to push back into the kiss and Lexa knew she hadn't imagined it. This was a mutual interest. The connection between them was electric. They shared so much grief and understanding in the short time they'd known each other. They kissed for what seemed like the longest time before Clarke broke away. Lexa backed up a step to give her room. She was staring at the floor in silence and Lexa thought about making up some excuse about how she was stressed or tired. But she couldn't lie to Clarke, not about this. She valued her too much to try to play this off as something trivial. Lexa waited for Clarkes response, she wouldn't try to push her. 

“I'm not, I mean I don't want to rush into another relationship. ” 

Her voice was soft but not unkind. Hope fluttered in her chest and she nodded quietly. It wasn't an outright rejection. She turned back to her ammonite and traced the ridges that were exposed. She cleared her throat and chose her words carefully. She didn't want to appear weak or upset. Clarke was an adult and she could make her choices, Lexa wasn't going to beg. 

“We should head out. Do you want to pick up some food?” Her voice came out stronger than she would have guessed. 

“That sounds great. I'm actually starving.” 

They stopped at a fast food place and ordered burgers. Clarke sat in a booth and gestured Lexa over. She sat across from her and leaned her head back. 

“Are you okay over there?” 

Lexa looked up. She wanted to answer honestly and tell her she was thinking about the kiss over and over. She wanted to tell her how she couldn't stop going over every detail of it in her mind. But she couldn't be that honest no matter how much she wanted to be. 

“I'm just tired from last night. The couch was comfortable but not that comfortable” 

She managed to smile at Clarke to indicate she was teasing and not passing judgment on her furniture choices. 

“Well if we hadn't passed out you could have had the whole couch to yourself” 

Clarke was smiling now. Lexa didn't really mind how they'd fallen asleep the night before. She decided to be bold. 

“It wasn't that bad. We should hang out more often, just the two of us” 

Clarke looked at her incredulously. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say so soon after their kiss. She didn't want Clarke to shrug off the shared moment either. Lexa heard their number called and jumped up from the table before Clarke could respond. She picked up the tray and walked back to the table where Clarke was texting away. Her stomach dropped and she prayed that she wasn't texting anyone about what just went down. 

Clarke was incredibly focused on the back of her fast food bag as they ate. The silence was unsettling and Lexa wanted to say something but she was the reason lunch was this awkward. She had gone too bold and they both knew it. The car ride back to Clarkes apartment was silent and Lexa knew it was her fault. She didn't try to rectify the situation and only hoped that Clarke would forgive her for being so forward. 

Lexa parked in front of Clarkes apartment and they sat in her truck for moment before Clarke spoke up. 

“Have you heard of this new sushi place that opened up downtown? I've heard a lot about it. We could check it out sometime if you wanted to” 

Lexa searched her face. She spent a little too long looking at Clarkes lips and snapped back to focus. 

“That sounds nice, I haven't had sushi here before.” 

Clarke smiled at her for the first time since leaving the restaurant. “Good, maybe after the study session next weekend?” 

Lexa nodded. Clarke jumped out of the truck and started to walk away. Lexa watched her go and was glad to have the opportunity to make up for this incredibly awkward day. 

Lexa sat her head on her steering wheel and sighed to herself. She'd managed to make an ass out of herself. Hopefully she could salvage this relationship, whatever it was. The door to her truck opened and she sat back up in alarm. Clarke was leaning into the car using the door for support 

“To be clear, that was me asking you out on a date. I wasn't sure if I made it obvious enough. Well see you later” 

She closed the door as quickly as she opened it and quickly walked away. Lexa watched her go in shock. She'd completely misinterpreted Clarkes reaction to the whole situation. She promised herself to take this slow and one step at a time, no more trying to skip ahead.


	4. Entropy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first date rounds the corner and nerves are getting to Lexa. She regrets some of the choices she's made so far in her relationship with Clarke, platonic or otherwise. Hopefully the date will give Lexa a chance to show Clarke she's not the cold person everyone thinks she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to update so late! School and work have kept me pretty freaking busy! I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think! Also I can't make a decent chapter summary to save my life so I apologize for that.

The kiss was a mistake. 

She shouldn't have rushed things and was beginning to feel ashamed about her actions the other night. Clarke was nice about the whole thing but what if she'd reacted differently? Not only would she have looked like an ass, she'd also have lost a whole group of friends. At the time it felt so right but she hadn't even asked if Clarke was okay with it before she went in. Why was she like this? Well she knew why but that didn't really change anything for her. 

Her phone buzzed and she rolled over in bed to see who it was. It was a text from Anya and she wanted to know how the date went. She'd never gotten around to telling her friend what happened the other day. She wasn't sure she wanted to. It was pretty embarrassing and Anya already had enough ammo to tease her with. 

Lexa texted her back that she was busy and stared up at the ceiling. She couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities of her impending actual date with Clarke. The confidence she had the other day when she kissed Clarke was gone and replaced but fear and uncertainty. This date could be a pity move from Clarke. She probably felt awkward after their last encounter. 

She frowned. A wave of anger washed over her and she felt her jaw clench at the thought. She hoped Clarke wouldn't go on a pity date with her to make her feel better. Shaking away the thought, she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. It was early Friday morning and she only had one class to go to. She thought about skipping but her paleontology lab was one of her favorite classes, even if she was only taking it for an extra lab credit. 

“Why haven't you been returning my calls? And your vague texts aren't fooling me. Did the date go poorly or really well? I can never tell why you keep secrets from me” 

Anya had Lexa cornered in the lab room. She'd waited for her to take her seat and begin working before she trapped her. Lexa sighed and decided she couldn't keep the miscommunication from her friend. They knew each other too well. 

“It wasn't a date, it was a party. There were a bunch of other people there and yes it was embarrassing and no I don't want to talk about it. But on a brighter note, I do have an actual date with her tomorrow.” Lexa watched as Anyas face went from an angry glare to a look of pure joy. 

“Are you kidding me? Thats freaking hilarious! You are going to have to tell me all about it.” Anyas voice was cheery. She was trying her best not to mock Lexa but by the look on her face she could barely keep it together. She wanted to get all of the embarrassing details out of Lexa but held herself back. Lexa wasn't the sharing type. 

Anya stood up and said her goodbyes. She had to go teach a lab across the hall. Lexa was relieved because she could now focus on her work. She'd uncovered about a fourth of the ammonite and was starting to feel excited about what the fossil would look like when she finished. 

The weather was starting to change so Lexa put a jacket on over the red dress shirt she'd chosen to wear. Her hair was down and the wind kept pushing it into her eyes which bothered her to no end. Maybe wearing it down wasn't the best idea even if she'd been told by several people how good it looked. Clarke pulled up in a white sedan type car. Lexa could tell it was one of the fancier models by how blinding the headlights were as the car came to a stop in front of her. She stood up and gripped her purse nervously. Her anxiety was acting up again and she did her best to push it aside. 

This wasn't a new experience but it had been a while since she'd been on a date. And she couldn't help but go over the last moments she'd spent alone with Clarke and how she'd made a complete ass out of herself. 

Lexa walked over to the parked car and got inside. Clarke leaned over in her seat to give her a quick hug. She was wearing a dark jacket and a red beanie. It suited her very nicely and Lexa's heart began to beat wildly. 

“I've never been to this sushi place but Raven swears by it. She says they have a lot of other options, just in case sushi isn't your thing. I thought we could catch a movie after. Raven also recommended some action film thats in theaters. I'd have to say shes almost more excited for our date than we are” 

Lexa nodded. Her nerves were on fire and she couldn't tame them. “That sounds like a good plan. I really enjoy sushi.” 

Her voice was stiff and she hoped Clarke didn't pick up on the tension. She still wanted to apologize for the kiss but feared it might put a damper on the evening. Plus she was pretty much frozen in a state of unease. She hadn't anticipated how out of the game she was. 

“Action movies are the best date movies, at least in my professional opinion.” She smiled at Lexa and the warmth from her voice was calming. 

“I don't have a lot of experience in that area so I will just have to take your word for it. And I am excited to try out this restaurant. I haven't had sushi since I lived in DC.” 

“There aren't a lot of places here so I don't really blame you. There are plenty of fried things here so this will be a relief” 

Lexa smiled. She wasn't lying, this little town was practically bathed in grease. She was starting to get less nervous and more excited about the date. 

They pulled into the restaurant and the neons lights illuminated the parking lot in a hue of bright purple. Clarke led the way inside and Lexa followed her. It was a typical sushi restaurant with a bar on one side and seating on the other. Clarke picked a small table in the corner away from the bar.

The menu had an array of items, most of which were foreign to Lexa. It was a midwest sushi mix of a restaurant and she was used to the more traditional places. 

“What do you think a 'Rodeo Roll' is?” Clarke asked with a huge grin. 

Lexa frowned and looked at the menu again. She noticed the menu had an area of the traditional items so she decided to just do a California roll and be done with it. The waitress came over and took their orders. Clarke watched her go and then leaned in close to Lexa. 

“I don't know about you but I hate these kinds of places. Creativity isn't always a good thing, especially when its people messing around with food. I once went to this sushi place that combined burgers and sushi. This one is much worse.” 

Lexa smiled at their mutual distaste with the restaurant. 

“Why can't they leave well enough alone? I mean, country fried chicken and mashed potatoes in a sushi roll? Can you imagine what Japan must think of this crap?” Clarke laughed at the intensity in Lexas voice. In all honesty it wasn't really something Lexa could help. She just naturally sounded intense when she whispered. 

“I'll make sure to kick Raven for this. Shes from here so she doesn't any better, at least I'm hoping so. At least we're getting an interesting story out of this?” Clarke looked at Lexa for reassurance but Lexa was looking over the menu again. She didn't want the date to be ruined by this. 

“Yeah but we'll be hungry and need to eat again before the night is over. Maybe the movie theater will have some of those nasty hot dogs or nachos” Lexa didn't look up as she said this and Clarke had a hard time telling if she was annoyed. 

“Do you have any preference for the movie? I've been so busy with school I haven't even checked out the latest reviews. I'm going off of what Raven and Octavia recommend to me.” 

“I don't really watch movies that often. Anya will bring over a shitty film for us to watch sometimes but thats about the extent I guess. Maybe we can just pick a movie and run with it?” 

Clarke shrugged. “That sounds like a risk I'm willing to take” 

They finished their food quickly while they mostly discussed how school was going. Lexa wasn't sure if she was ready to dive into her super personal details. She'd already over shared a lot in the short time she'd known Clarke. Something about Clarke made Lexa want to spill every dark secret she had. And Lexa both hated and loved it. 

As they got into the car Lexa let out a sigh of relief. Dinner went well and now she only had to make it through a movie and probable post-movie discussion without embarrassing herself. Clarke mentioned something about an action film so the pressure of watching a romantic movie wasn't there. 

“Do you know anything about this movie we are going to see? Or is it another one of Ravens recommendations?” Lexa smiled at her own little joke. 

Clarke looked over at her and returned the smile. Her whole face lit up every single time she smiled, no matter what sparked the expression. 

“I've actually heard good things from multiple people. Not sure if I trust Raven after that disaster of a restaurant. She probably chose it because it was so out there. Ravens all for trying new things, I usually am too but not when it comes to sushi” 

Lexa nodded in agreement. When the car remained silent she looked over to see what was going on. Clarkes attention was on the road so she decided to speak up. 

“I don't really like trying new things unless I trust the person who is giving me the recommendation” 

Clarke feigned a shocked reaction. “You don't trust Raven?” 

Lexa mistook her expression and stared intensely at the dashboard. “It takes a lot for me to trust someone” 

Immediately after saying that she glanced up at Clarke who was staring straight ahead with a pained awkward expression on her face. Lexa wanted to hide because of tension she created in the conversation. She raced through her head and tried to find a way to rectify the situation. 

“So do we know the plot of this movie?” Even though she tried, the words still came out tense. 

“I think its a police thriller or something. I haven't really kept up with the trailers so I'm going into this as confused as you. I feel like we've spent most of this date talking about the date. Tell me something about you, favorite animal or something basic?” 

Lexa was so tense her shoulders and neck hurt. She tried to relax and decided it was probably safe enough to relax her jaw. Clarkes question was easy enough to answer but she found herself drawing a blank. What animals were there again? She swallowed and spat out the first animal that came to mind. 

“I really like sea cucumbers” 

Clarke didn't respond right away and then started laughing. Even though Lexa made up the interest on the spot, she was still annoyed at the reaction. 

“There isn't anything funny about that. They are really cool animals, okay?” She was beginning to be offended over her made up interest. Clarke shook her head and wiped the tears from her eyes from laughing so hard. 

“Its not that, you've just been so intense I was really expecting like wolf or velociraptor or something like that. And you just say sea cucumber like its a normal thing to have as a favorite. I'm sorry its just the last thing I expected” 

Lexa found herself laughing as well. She should've thought of a better animal but that ship had sailed. 

“Okay so its not as cool or mysterious as a wolf but they are still pretty rad. They come in all sorts of colors and do neat things” 

They pulled into the movie theater parking lot. Once parked, Clarke looked at her watch. 

“I'd love to hear more about the wondrous sea cucumber but we are going to miss the trailers and those are my favorite part of going to a movie” 

“Thats my favorite part too. I always make a mental note of which movies I want to watch or if I'm watching them with Anya, we'll make fun of the editing. Some movies try too hard” 

“Right?” Clarke stepped out of the car and closed the door behind her “If a trailer tries too hard I feel like the movie is going to be terrible. Just give a basic layout of the film and you should be fine.”   
The line for food was short so they both waited in line to get concessions. 

“I know we just ate but I'm ravenous. The food was so gross. I need popcorn and candy to cleanse my palate” Clarke smiled and nudged Lexa who returned the smile. 

“I'm thinking about getting nachos or a hot dog. Greasy food usually does the trick. I'll probably make myself sick eating it.”

They grabbed their food and sat down. Clarke showed a handful of popcorn in her mouth and chewed less than gracefully. It took a lot for Lexa not to laugh and risk spitting out her own food. Their dinner left them starving for real food. Clarke was almost done with her bag of popcorn when the movie started and she moved on to the bag of Twizzlers. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the sight of Clarke chowing down on food nonchalantly. Lexa loved how determined she looked over the littlest of things. Its one of the mannerisms that attracted her to Clarke in the first place. 

The movie was over before Lexa could really get a chance to focus on the central plot of the film. She found herself staring at her date for most of the movie. For the first half of the film she worried that Clarke would catch her staring and make fun of her but when that didn't happen she relaxed. If she noticed she never brought it to Lexas attention. 

“So that was a bust. The whole movie was basically following the story of some sad cop who lost a wife to violence. How original. Why couldn't they have flipped the roles and had the wife be the lead who lost her cop husband? That would actually have made more sense!” Clarke had an fire in her eyes over this. 

Lexa wanted to add to the discussion but she hadn't really paid a lot of attention and she didn't want Clarke to find that little tidbit out. 

“Hollywood likes to make movies about sad guys who lost their wives. Its just the way things are” Lexa offered 

Clarke turned to her and frowned. “Well then. The way things are is bullshit and someone needs to call up Hollywood an change that” Her face softened up a bit and she pushed back in her chair to recline it.

“Sorry that dinner and the movie were both busts. Want to go back to my apartment and watch something we know will be good? Like a movie we've actually seen before and I can vouch for. Hopefully you trust me a little by now?” She waited for Lexa to respond. Her little smile was too much for Lexa to say no to even if she'd wanted to. 

“That sounds like a great plan.” Her voice was a tad too cheerful and Clarke picked up on that. 

Clarkes apartment was super clean. She wasn't one of the types of people who only clean when they expect company. That or she had high hopes for this date before it even began. 

Lexa sat her purse down on the kitchen table and walked around the living area in silence. Clarke lived alone so they didn't have to worry about waking anyone but the silence felt right. 

“I hope you like wine? I have a bottle leftover from some celebration I can't even remember.” Clarke set the glasses down on the coffee table and plopped down on the couch.   
Lexa sat next to her stiffly, unsure of how she should handle the situation. 

“Wine sounds nice. Do you have a movie in mind?” Lexa picked up a glass and leaned back in the couch. She wasn't sure what stage of the date this was. Should she try to cuddle with Clarke or just sit there and wait?

“I'm just going to turn on Netflix and see whats available.” She scrolled through the site in silence for a moment before perking up. “Have you seen this one? Its amazing, you'll love it” 

“I'm sure it will be fine. I trust you.” The words slipped easily from her mouth and Clarke turned to look at her. She meant what she said. Clarke was easy for her to trust. 

The movie started and again Clarke was transfixed on the screen. Lexa loved watching Clarke's eyes light up as the movie start. Her enthusiasm about everything gave Lexa life. Again she found herself paying more attention to Clarke than to the actual film. 

About fifteen minutes passed an Clarke turned to ask Lexa a question and caught her staring at her. She realized just how smitten she'd become with girl and turned her attention to the screen, embarrassed. Clarke leaned back into the couch filling the gap next to Lexa. She put her head on Lexas shoulder which caused Lexa a second of momentary panic. She remembered that it wasn't the first time this happened so she relaxed and leaned against Clarke. 

Lexa fights the urge to kiss her again and instead resigns to just watch Clarke enjoy her movie. They sat in silence, just taking in each others presence for a while. Their moment was broken up by Clarkes phone going off loudly which caused them both to jump. 

“Shit, I got to take this.” She stepped outside to answer the phone and Lexa leaned back into the couch again. She ran her hands through her hair and took a deep breath in. It was like she forgot to breath when Clarke was around. 

Clarke stormed back inside and Lexa knew she wouldn't like what she had to say before she even said it. 

“I am so sorry but I have to cut this date short. Bellamy just called from a bar and hes super drunk and needs a ride home and of course Octavia is out camping with Lincoln again. Hes the feisty type so I don't want to leave him there too long or he'll start a fight with someone over something ridiculous. I promise I'll make it up to you” 

Lexa felt her heart drop a little but she shook off Clarkes apologies. She didn't want her to feel any more guilt than she already did. She also didn't want to reveal how jealous Bellamy made her this early on in their relationship. It was an irrational jealously that she just couldn't shake. 

Clarke pulled into Lexas parking lot and turned her car off. “I'm sorry about this, I really am. Please don't think I'm a flake I promise I don't do this often. Bellamy is like a big brother to me and I can't just leave him there.” Lexa nodded. She understood, she'd do the same thing for Anya. 

“You don't need to apologize. I completely understand. I really enjoyed tonight, I hope we can do it again sometime” Clarke still looked guilty but she smiled shyly at Lexa. 

“I hope this isn't too much but I could really kiss you right now? I mean, if thats okay with you?”

Lexa was shocked and found herself nodding as Clarke leaned over in her seat to kiss her. It was an awkward kiss because they were both in their seat belts still but Lexa tried to remember every moment regardless. Clarke was starting to mean everything to her and it was exhilarating to feel that way again.


	5. Funny Not To Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silence is unnerving, especially when you are expecting something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a short one, just a heads up. I hope y'all enjoy! (Again I apologize for the crappy summary I still haven't mastered that)

Lexa picked up her phone to check her messages and tossed it onto her nightstand. She let out a huff of air in annoyance and threw herself back on the bed. 

Earlier in the day she'd send a text and in response her phone had been silent all day. She didn't want to be the clingy type but surely Clarke would've at least sent her a text back by now? It'd been a couple of days since their date and Lexa hadn't heard anything. 

Her mind went through every detail of the date, trying to find where something, if anything, had pushed Clarke away. Nothing popped into her mind so she just continued to worry blindly. She was probably just busy or working on school, no need to freak out or let her jealousy get to her head. 

The next day she'd see her in class and her stomach turned at the thought. She wasn't sure how she should act. They hadn't really had a chance to discuss what was going on relationship-wise. 

It was getting to be pretty late so she decided to just sleep off the nerves and hope for the best when she saw Clarke in class. There wasn't anything she could accomplish by worrying all night. 

As usual Lexa arrived early to class to secure her seat. It was several weeks into the course but she still couldn't shake the idea that someone would take her seat and she wouldn't be sitting next to Raven and Clarke anymore.

She got her phone out one last time to check for messages but still nothing. There were about 50 messages from Anya wanting to know how the date went but nothing from Clarke. 

It was time for her to direct her focus and attention to school so she pulled out her notes and went over them while she waited for class to start. 

She heard shuffling and felt the air move as someone plopped down next to her. 

“Hey I don't appreciate being ignored? And I woke up early because I knew you'd be here bright and early like usual. Tell me how it went.” 

Lexa figured something like this was coming, she never ignored Anya and if she tried to it never went over well. She was just slightly embarrassed that she didn't have anything really to tell her friend. 

“It went really well but I haven't heard from her since. I'm a little concerned but thats crazy, right? People get busy and don't respond or they have phone issues” Lexa stopped herself from continuing because she realized how ridiculous she was beginning to sound. 

“Yeah that happens. She probably lost her phone charger or something. I mean you'll see her soon enough so its probably nothing to worry about” Anya could tell her friend needed reassurance and not the usual ribbing. 

Lexa smiled and looked back at her notes. She wasn't really comfortable discussing the matter in such a public setting. Anya took the hint. 

“I'm going go get the projector set up. We're watching a couple TED talks today because Indra wants everyone to see that there are real life applications to what you guys are learning. Its a little middle school for my taste but Indra knows best” 

The rest of the class arrived and Lexa found herself looking for any sign of Clarke or even Raven. There were only a few minutes left before lecture began and Clarke was usually already here. It wasn't like her to be late. 

She saw Raven enter through her usual spot a minute before class began. She was too slow to turn back in her chair and Raven waved at her, giving her a quizzical expression. 

“Are you waiting for someone? You look super anxious today Lex.” Lexa hated that nickname but didn't know a way to ask Raven to stop without coming off as rude. The nickname made her sound like a super villain. 

“I was just waiting for Clarke. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days and I wanted to make sure everything was okay.” Ravens face fell as Lexa finished up her sentence and Lexa could feel her stomach flip. 

“You don't know? This is the anniversary of her dads death, she usually disappears for a few days maybe longer. We all know she spends the time grieving but its Clarke and shes the strong one, you know?” 

This new information made Lexa uneasy. She didn't doubt their intentions but a person shouldn't have to be alone with something like that. She had Anya to help her out in the years that followed Costia. Even now she had her support when she needed it. 

The rest of her day flew by and all she could think of was how to get to Clarke. She couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to help her. 

Around dinnertime she made the decision to gather up a few things and head over to Clarkes apartment to see if she could at least offer her support.

Her mind was rushing through all of the memories she had of herself grieving and how much worse it was for her when she was alone. She didn't want Clarke to have to do that, not alone at least. Not when she was so close. 

She pulled up to Clarkes apartment complex and realized she probably made a mistake. It wasn't like her to act irrationally about things yet here she was, in front of Clarkes apartment about to bust the door down so she wouldn't be alone.

Again she found herself resting her head on the steering wheel, feeling ridiculous. 

A knock on the window shook her from her self loathing. She sat upright and turned to see who it was even though the options were pretty slim. 

Clarke was standing next to her car in a set of old pj's. She was carrying a bag of trash over one shoulder and her other hand was on her hip. 

As much as she wanted to just drive away, Lexa stepped out of the car and tried to think of how to begin. She probably looked like a creepy stalker of some kind. 

“I'm so sorry, this was dumb. I heard from Raven that this week is hard for you and I don't know what I was thinking and I just drove over here. I'll leave, this was too weird.” 

She expected Clarke to say something but she was silently standing with her trash. She'd lowered it and was now holding it as if she were hugging a pillow. 

“No its, okay. I saw your texts I just didn't know what to say.” She offered an awkward smile and Lexa returned it. 

“I just didn't want you to be alone” 

Clarke stiffened and set down the trash bag. “I don't really like being alone. But I don't know how to ask for that kind of thing. Everyone is always talking about how strong and kept together I am. I can't let them see me like this” As she spoke, tears started to gather in her eyes and Lexa walked over to her and put an arm around her shoulder. 

“You don't have to hide that from me. Come on, I'll put this in the dumpster if you want to head inside. Is it okay if I meet you up there?” Clarke nodded and Lexa felt a rush of relief. She didn't want to leave her like this. 

When Lexa got back up to Clarkes apartment she took a deep breath in before opening the door. Clarke was seated on the couch, surrounded by pillows and fluffy blankets. Lexa put her school bag down and sat next to Clarke, moving a few pillows out of the way. 

They both sat in the silence, trying to figure out what to say to the other. 

“Its hard forgetting the pain, letting it go is just so hard. I don't know how you do it.” Lexa turned to Clarke and saw her looking for an easy answer. She didn't have one. 

“You don't forget and you never let it go. It becomes part of who you are and even though its hard to admit, it changes you. Not always for the better” 

Clarke laughed bitterly. “Why did I let you in? Tell me there are rainbows and puppies at the end of this.” Lexa smiled and nodded a little 

“But that would be lying” She looked up and stared directly into Clarkes eyes. “I can't lie to you Clarke”

Clarke nodded back at her and wiped the tears that were still flowing from her eyes. 

“I wish everything didn't remind me of him. The way ramen smells right out of the microwave reminds me of how he used to make me 'gourmet meals' when I was little and my mom worked late. I even look like him so when I see myself in the mirror I think of what my family must feel when they see me.” 

The tears were coming a lot faster now and Lexa moved closer and Clarke leaned against her. Lexa pulled her closer with each sob. She wanted Clarke to be happy again but understood that this is what was appropriate for the moment

The intensity of Clarkes grief reminded her of her own so she decided to share. “I can see her sometimes. Its been so long since I've seen her face but sometimes when I'm walking around campus I swear she's there. You're right, about being hyper aware of the things that remind us of those we've lost.

She paused for a moment to let Clarke speak but continued after a couple minutes of silence.

“There are perfumes I can't smell without thinking of her, places I can't visit because its still to painful to go there without her. I don't think I'll ever be able to eat at this one soul food restaurant she loved. I tired once, after she was gone but the food wasn't the same without her gushing over it” Clarke looked up at her and smiled sadly. 

“My dad loved Chinese take-out. Anything fast and fried really but Chinese take-out was his go to food. It drove my mother up a wall because she's a doctor and we could afford better food. But he didn't care, he'd bring home huge brown bags of fried rice, orange chicken and whatever special the place had for the day.” 

Clarke laughed and wiped her tears away from her face. Lexa brushed the hair from her face and smiled back. She didn't need to say anything else, Clarke was comfortable. 

They sat on the couch together for several hours. Clarke told her every memory she had of her father while Lexa stroked her hair and listened. It was intense and often painful but Lexa didn't feel her usual desire to run away. She kept herself bottled up so often that intense emotional moments usually caused her to shut down. Being with Clarke made her willing to embrace that side of herself. 

After an hour or two, Lexa couldn't really keep track of time from the couch, Clarke put on an animated movie she loved and leaned against Lexa while they watched it. 

She kissed the top of Clarkes head as she laughed heartily at the movie she'd seen hundreds of times. Lexa was happy that Clarke was feeling better and laughing.

They were both emotionally exhausted but Lexa managed to keep herself awake until the end of the movie. Clarke didn't fare as well. She was fast asleep. Lexa couldn't bring herself to wake her so she slowly laid down on the couch, taking Clarke with her. She rested an arm across her and again brushed the hair from her face. 

The moment was so perfect that Lexa couldn't stop herself from whispering an “I love you” to Clarke before she drifted off to sleep herself.


	6. You go down smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke talk about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that it took so long for me to update! i hope you enjoy the chapter!

The next morning Lexa found herself alone on the couch when she woke up. She sat up and stretched to wake herself up a little more. 

Clarke was in the kitchen and cooking by the smell of things. Lexa started to feel a little guilty, she didn't want to be a burden and hadn't expected Clarke to cook for her. 

“Are you awake finally? I thought I'd have to leave you here so I could go to work.” Clarke brought over two plates of scrambled eggs and set one down in front of Lexa. 

“You could've woken me up and you didn't have to cook for me. I didn't mean to sleep that long.” She could feel her face flush a little bit from embarrassment. 

Clarke shrugged at her. “I didn't really cook just for you and I really don't mind either way. It's the least I could do for you. We are dating after all.” She smiled at Lexa and went right back to finishing the scrambled eggs. 

Lexa was so nervous from the previous night she didn't have much of an appetite but she was grateful that Clarke was cooking. Her mind was reliving the previous night, going over any perceived misstep and worrying about them. 

Clarke said they were dating which is the usually the step right before assigning labels to things. They'd been going out for a while and Lexa wasn't sure when labels were assigned in a relationship. She hadn't been in one for so long she didn't know if the rules had changed. 

Her mind began to wander to the night before. 

What did Clarke think about her hazy revelation from the previous night, if she'd heard it at all? She was already in love with Clarke and admitted it aloud but she wasn't able to gauge if Clarke was there yet. 

“You are too quiet and its making me nervous. Is the food okay, I don't think its possible to mess up scrambled eggs but I could be wrong” 

Lexa jerked out of her thoughts. “Oh no its nothing like that. I was just reflecting on the whole 'we're dating' angle. Are we at the point of labels yet or are we just dating?” She needed clarification and asking outright was the only way she knew how to get it. 

Clarke stopped eating and thought about it for a while. Each moment made Lexa a little nervous but she wanted a little more information. 

“Would you be comfortable if I called you my girlfriend and vise-versa? I don't think its too soon for that and I think I'm ready for that kind of relationship.” 

Clarke was very straightforward with her answer and Lexa silently thanked her for it. It was hard for her to read between the lines and pick up on signals she was unfamiliar with. 

“I think I'd like that a lot Clarke.” 

Clarke gave her a weird side hug and went right back to eating.

“Girlfriends. I really like the sound of that. And the group is going to be unbearable for a little bit. They like to tease, I figured you deserved a heads up for if we ever hang out again.” 

Lexa nodded to acknowledge she'd understood. She was currently riding high on the excitement of Clarke agreeing to be her girlfriend. 

“I have a few hours before work so I think I'm going to make pasta salad for the rest of the week. Want to help? I have a small kitchen but your company would be nice, thats if you aren't busy.” 

“Cooking in a small kitchen with my girlfriend sounds great. I can at least help do dishes or something” Lexa picked up their plates and headed over to set them in the sink. Clarke followed close behind her and Lexa heard her giggle. 

“Why are you laughing” Her face broke out in a grin as she asked. 

Clarke shrugged and smiled at her. “You just seem so happy to call me your girlfriend. Its really cute.” 

Lexa frowned. “Are you making fun of me?” She couldn't tell and wasn't sure if she liked being described as 'cute. 

Clarke ended up laughing harder. “Not at all. I almost forgot how intense you are. I just like seeing you so excited about this because I was nervous for the longest time. You're the first actual 'official' girlfriend I've had.” 

Lexa felt her stomach turn. Should she be more nervous? That feeling just didn't come to her when she thought of being in a relationship with Clarke. It felt right, like it was what was supposed to be. 

“I've only had one other relationship as well. I think its okay to be nervous but if you are uncomfortable please let me know. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.” 

Clarke shook her head “Its not you at all. I think its not even really anxiety, just like nervous excitement. I really like you and I don't know but this feels different to me.” 

“I feel the same way. I'm sure its normal. Why don't I make the pasta salad? I'm in the mood to cook something. Maybe utilize my excitement in a beneficial way” 

Lexa grimaced at her own words. She was aware that some people thought she sounded like a robot at times. It wasn't something she tried for at all. 

“Ooh. I'd love to see how you make pasta salad. I could tell all of my work friends that my girlfriend made my lunch.” Lexa knew she was joking but it was still nice to hear her mention her girlfriend and know she meant Lexa. 

Clarke got out the tomatoes, olives and feta cheese for the pasta salad and began cutting up some of the tomatoes. Lexa started the water and rinsed the uncooked pasta. It wasn't really a recommended thing but she liked to make sure everything was clean when she cooked. 

The pasta cooked quickly and Lexa drained the water from it and added the tomatoes Clarke prepared for her. She started chopping up the olives into smaller chunks while the pasta cooled down a bit. 

“So what are your thanksgiving plans?” Lexa stiffened, it was a question she tried to dodge around every year. She thought she could avoid it for the next two weeks but Clarke didn't let her. 

“I'm probably going to stick around town and finish up some projects I've been working on” Clarke looked stunned.

“No turkey for you? What about your family?” Clarke wasn't going to let up

“Well my parents hate me and most of my family sides with them or they just pretend I don't exist so it doesn't ruin any dinner conversation” Lexa felt her voice grow hard with the thought of her family.

“That's got to be an exaggeration. I'm sure they don't hate you”

“Well where do you draw the line between resentment and hate? Because I'm sure they feel both.” She finished chopping the olives and dropped the pieces into the pasta mixture. 

Clarke walked closer and stood next to her, watching the pasta. “I remember you mentioned that before. Do you want to talk about it at all? I'm a great listener too.” 

She really didn't want to discuss her family. They weren't something she ever wanted to talk about. Avoidance was the policy when it came to them. 

“My parents just weren't happy that I didn't end up being the perfect child they wanted to badly. It only took them eighteen years to realize that I wasn't the image they had of me and it was ugly when it dawned on them” She was being cryptic but hopefully Clarke would get the point. 

Clarke was silent for a moment. “Do you want to come home with me? My mother won't care and we usually just have thanksgiving with some of our family friends. You could meet my best friend, Wells. I bet you'd get along great”

Lexa wanted to say yes and Clarkes enthusiasm made it hard for her to refuse. But she didn't want to push the limits of her anxiety. Dinner with the family wasn't something she could just agree to without proper warning or preparation. She had to come up with an excuse to miss it.

“I'll be fine here. Octavia and Raven will be in town so I won't get too lonely” Clarkes face fell for a second but in a split second her smile was back.

“You won't be too lonely? Miss 'I send a million texts a day'?” Lexa felt herself blushing

“I just like to check up on you to make sure you're okay. I didn't text you yesterday did I?” she murmured, Clarke wrapped an arm around her side and leaned her head on Lexas shoulder while she finished stirring the pasta.

“I'm teasing but I promise you I won't get into too much trouble if you don't text me every hour on the hour”

Lexa knew she was ribbing her but she still got the point. She didn't have to be so overprotective, Clarke wasn't in any immediate danger.

“What time do you need to be at work today?” She wanted to gauge how much time she could spend with her. 

Clarke looked at the clock on the stove and shrugged. “I should really start to get ready. If I didn't need the money and experience I would play hooky so we could find something fun to do.” 

“That wouldn't be very responsible of you, would it? Maybe we can do something once you get off work, if you aren't too exhausted.” Lexa couldn't keep her smile down 

Clarke returned the smile and started to get Tupperware out to put the pasta away. “I'm sure I won't be too tired. I'll text you when I'm off work.”

Lexa picked the pot off of the oven and poured the contents into the container Clarke picked out. 

“I should probably go. You need to get ready for work and I have some things to get taken care of today. I'll see you when you get off work?” 

Clarke walked over to her and wrapped her up in a hug. “I don't know how many more times I can thank you before you get annoyed but I'm going to keep going. Thanks again for coming over last night and helping me out.” 

Lexa pulled back a bit and looked at Clarke to read her expression. “And again I'm going to say you are welcome and you don't have to thank me.” 

She shrugged and handed Lexa her bag. “Make sure you have your phone on, I might get bored at work and text you. The morning shift is super slow.” 

Lexa nodded and turned to leave. “Wait a minute, don't I get a kiss?” She turned around and Clarke was right next to her, waiting. They kissed briefly and Lexa pulled away. 

“You're going to be late” 

Clarke just laughed off her concern and resumed kissing her. As much as lexa wanted to just stay and make out with her she knew that wasn't practical. She pulled away again and gave Clarke a brief 'goodbye' hug. 

Lexa turned before she exited the apartment and offered up a wave. “I'll see you later then” 

Clarke stood in the door frame to watch her go. She raised one hand in a quick goodbye and went back inside. 

She drove a little faster than usual, excited from the days events even if was still early morning. 

Octavia was laying on the couch watching the morning news when Lexa made it back inside. She sat up and made room for Lexa to sit next to her. Even though she'd slept through the night she was starting to feel tired again. 

She plopped down and melted into the couch, resting her head on the back of the cushions. Her eyes closed for a moment and she could feel Octavia staring at her. She opened her eyes and stared back at her room mate. 

“Did you need something?” 

Octavia just smirked and leaned back into the couch. “I was just wondering where you've been. You are wearing the same clothes as yesterday. And I'm not sure if you're aware but Clarke's used the same perfume for years and I could smell it the second you opened the door” 

Lexa could feel her face growing red. She hadn't wanted to flaunt her relationship in front of anyone but little got past Octavia. 

“I hope you weren't trying to keep it a secret from anyone because if you were Raven isn't the best person to tell a secret to. Clarke knows that. I'm glad you guys are together. You look happy.” 

Lexa found herself smiling. 

“I am”


	7. Wherever is Your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is left alone for the first wave of the holiday season and feels herself begin to slip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! Kind of a flashback to the holiday season I guess. Its a short chapter but I hope you enjoy! The next one hopefully won't take as long

 

“I'll be back on Sunday and I know you're probably tired of me asking, but are you positive you don't want to spend Thanksgiving with me?” Clarke set her suitcase in the backseat of her car and turned to grab the laundry bag Lexa was holding in her arms.

 

“You know my answer. I won't be alone here, Raven is from this area and I think Octavia is staying to spend time with Lincoln.”

 

Lexa could tell Clarke didn't buy the excuse but she remained silent. She wasn't super close with any of the people she'd mentioned and Clarke knew that. She also knew that pushing the issue would only lead to an angry Lexa.

 

“Okay, well I'm only a phone call away. And when I get back I promise to take a break from work so that we can spend some time together. As long as you promise to take some time away from your stuff as well.” She smiled and loaded the final bag into her car. Lexa gave her a hug and realized she didn't want to let go.

 

Clarke pulled away from the embrace and stared at her for a moment. Finally she leaned forward and gave Lexa a kiss. “I'll see you in a week. Don't get too bored without me” She broke away and got into her car.

 

Lexa scoffed. “I had a life before we started to date you know” Clarke flashed her a mischievous smile and started her car. Lexa could feel her heart begin to race in the way it always did when someone she loved drove away without her.

 

She raised her hand in a silent goodbye as Clarke drove away. It was going to be a long week.

 

Octavia was packing a bag while blasting incoherent rock music when Lexa returned to their apartment. She turned it down when she saw Lexa enter.

 

“Sorry its my guilty pleasure” Octavia looked a little embarrassed but Lexa didn't really mind.

 

She gestured at the small bag and Octavia began talking again “Me and Lincoln are going to go camping for a bit this week. We'll be back before Thanksgiving if you want to hang out. Maybe do a little 'friendsgiving' or something”

 

Lexa nodded. She liked Octavia but she wasn't someone that she hung out with often. Or at all, really. It felt like a pity invite.

 

Did everyone expect her to fall to pieces? Clarke was only going to be gone for a week. She could handle that, she wasn't made of paper.

 

The weather outside had begun its transition into winter and Lexa felt an urge to take a walk. For a moment she thought about inviting Octavia along but her room mate was preoccupied with camping preparations.

 

She grabbed her keys and a heavier jacket before leaving. It wasn't quite cold enough for a hat and scarf yet. She didn't want to look like she was over doing it.

 

The apartment complex was newer and only a short walk from a small park. It wasn't as nice as the nature preserve but Lexa didn't feel like driving and the sun wasn't going to stay up too much longer. She thought about Octavia's offer for Thanksgiving and felt another wave of anxiety.

 

Hanging out with friends was pretty foreign to her. Especially without Clarke there to make her feel at home. What would she talk about? How could she keep herself from saying something that would come off as rude or robotic? Anya was also gone so she couldn't call upon her for help either.

 

A barking dog shook her out of her planning and she looked for the source of the sound. A small husky puppy ran up to her, towing a bright yellow leash behind it. She looked around for the owner but saw no one.

 

“So where do you come from” She asked as she bent down to pick up the leash. She couldn't let the puppy run into the street. The small dog looked up at her and tilted its head. It was really cute and she could feel herself smiling uncontrollably at it.

 

Lexa heard crackling leaves and turned to see Lincoln jogging towards her. That made sense.

 

“Lexa? Thank god. I thought I lost this little guy. You are a savior” He was out of breath and leaning on a nearby tree.

 

Lexa looked down at the dog on the end of the leash and then back up to Lincoln. “Who is this?”

 

He smiled and bent down to pet the puppy. “It's my present to Octavia. His name is Helios” Lincoln noticed her frown and shook his head quickly “He's going to live with me, don't worry. I guess he's more of a gift to myself that Octavia will also enjoy.”

 

Lexa returned his smile once she heard the last part. She did not want to deal with a dog on top of everything else she had going on. She handed the leash over.

 

“Don't lose this little guy again. He is precious.” Lincoln smiled and took the leash.

 

“I don't plan on it. Thanks again, sorry to interrupt your walk.” He turned and jogged back towards the apartment complex.

 

Lexa watched him go. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to spend Thanksgiving with others. Holidays had always been hard for her after Costia. She'd preferred to be alone. It felt wrong to celebrate without her anyway. Being alone was the only respectful thing, at least in her mind.

 

But now she had Clarke. And with Clarke had come a string of new people that she wouldn't be able to avoid forever. Clarke didn't feel temporary.

 

She started to walk further along the forest trail. The trail ran close to the road and wasn't usually the most peaceful place but the holidays left the city pretty barren. The usual bustle of cars speeding by was replaced with a quiet that she'd let grow unfamiliar.

 

She realized she hadn't felt alone in a while and felt a rush of fear. It wouldn't be like before, she had someone this time. Someone important. Someone who wouldn't let her feel so alone that she withdrew from everything else and lived inside her thoughts. It couldn't be like before.

 

_But you had someone last time and you lost them and then yourself_

 

The toxic thoughts were never far from Lexa's mind but she'd been able to keep them at bay. It wasn't healthy but she'd allowed herself to focus on school and her new relationship with Clarke while her own mental stuff hid in the background.

 

Clarke was gone, even if for a short while, and school was on a break so nothing was left to distract her. She couldn't keep moving forward because the road wasn't there anymore. The distractions were gone now and she was afraid.

 

She'd lived alone for so long that she'd accepted that was how it needed to be. Clarke had upset that way of thinking. It wasn't a bad thing but she'd allowed herself to become too dependent on that relationship. She needed to pull away.

 

_That's not fair to Clarke. It's not her fault you're a mess._

 

Abandoning Clarke wasn't what she needed to do. She kind of knew what she needed to do. She'd let herself believe she'd moved past her own fears but that was a lie. A lie she'd told herself for so long that it felt real. She wouldn't let herself sabotage her life anymore.

 

She turned around and began her walk back to her apartment.

 

It only took her a moment to gather her things when she got back. Octavia and Lincoln had already left so she sent her a text with her updated plans. She loaded her things into her car and started her drive.

 

A few hours into her drive she realized she hadn't updated Clarke on her plans. She also realized she wasn't sure where Clarke lived and was essentially driving nowhere.

 

She pulled into a shady looking gas station and parked. Her phone had a few texts from Clarke so she decided to just give her a call.

 

Clarke answered after a few rings. “Lexa? I've only been gone for a few hours, is everything okay.”

 

Lexa thought about how to answer that question. “I changed my mind and I'm almost to DC. Still want me? I can always turn around” A chuckle came from the other end of the line.

 

“Of course I still want you. I'll tell mom and make sure to get the guest room ready. I doubt she'll appreciate us sharing a room, even if I'm a grown ass adult”

 

It was Lexa's turn to laugh. “I will see you soon. Love you” She heard a sharp intake of breath and then “I'll see you when you get here. Let me know when you are outside”

 

Lexa wasn't hurt by Clarke's refusal to return her sentiment. They hadn't exchanged an entire 'I love you' and they hadn't been together long enough for Lexa to expect anything along those lines. She almost began to brush off the declaration as a mistake but figured that would be an even bigger one. She wasn't ashamed either, it was the truth and she had grown tired of hiding from her feelings.

 

She hung up and started her car again. DC was only a few exits down the road. Clarke was only a few exits and turns away.

 


	8. Is this really as hard as I make it, back and forth what matters most

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has a hard time coping with the stress from the holidays and Clarke does her best to pick her up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a few more chapters planned but I'm nearing the end of this story. I hope you enjoy!

“Are you finally awake? I'm coming in so I hope you're dressed”

 

Lexa groaned and rolled over in her bed. She looked at her phone and it was still pretty early, especially for vacation. She heard her girlfriend open the door to her room and come inside. Clarke hopped on the bed next to her and started pulling the blanket off.

 

“Clarke it is way too early. We don't have anywhere to be right now.” Lexa mumbled and tried to pull the blanket back over her body.

 

“We have everywhere to be. My mom wants me to go to the grocery store to pick up some things for tomorrow and I thought we could make a day out of it! I'll show you the places I like here or whatever you're up to”

 

Lexa sat up and looked at her girlfriend. Clarke's hair was a mess and she was dressed in an old shirt, covered with dried paint. She was criss-cross at the end of the guest be, pulling at the blankets. Lexa sighed and threw her head back on her pillow. She knew she wouldn't be able to win an argument in her current sleepy state so she caved.

 

“Give me a moment or two to get ready. You're like a kid on Christmas morning I swear” She smiled and Clarke pecked her on the cheek. Even if she didn't get any sleep, she was glad for this week.

 

It only took her a moment to go from pj's to comfortable jeans, T-shirt and leather jacket. Clarke was dressed in jeans and a heavy brown sweater. She embraced Lexa in a quick hug and then held her at an arms length, admiring her outfit.

 

“Wow you get all dolled up to go grocery shopping. I promise its not a fashion competition there.” Lexa's face grew hot at Clarke's comments. She started to lean in to kiss Clarke but heard shuffling off to her left. They hadn't noticed Clarke's mom, Abby, round the corner. Her arms were crossed but she just looked amused.

 

“Behave yourself Clarke. I think Lexa looks nice.”

 

Lexa smiled and broke away from Clarke . She was glad that Clarke didn't have a mother like she did. They didn't have to hide or pretend to be someone else. Finally Lexa could relax.

 

“We are going to head out and get the stuff for tomorrow. Did you make us a list?”

 

Clarke's mom handed her a piece of paper and turned to Lexa. “Don't let her buy too much junk. I'm giving you guys my card and I know college will ruin diets.”

 

“I'll keep her in line.” Abby smiled at her comment and Clarke feigned a hurt look.

 

They headed outside and got into Clarke's car. She pulled out of the driveway and they headed towards the store. Lexa looked over the list and tried to plan out their day. “So which store are we going to first? Your mom wants us to pick up things from multiple stores. We should probably go to the grocery store last so nothing we buy will go bad”

 

Clarke nodded. “I kind of want to go to the dollar store. We don't have one back at college and I've missed them. Plus they have cheap snacks.”

 

“Okay. As long as we restrain ourselves. I literally just told your mother I wouldn't let you go out of control.”

 

Her girlfriend gave her a quick glance. She was obviously bothered by the mention of her mother's words. Lexa remembered a conversation from when they first met. Hadn't she said something about not getting along with her mother? And now Lexa was getting warmed up to her? She felt slightly embarrassed and decided to change the subject.

 

“The dollar store sounds pretty exciting actually. I could really use a few pairs of headphones that will only last for a week before dying.”

 

Clarke laughed. “Well this dollar store is definitely the place for that. Its independently owned so the stock is always changing. Here's our turn”

 

They pulled into the parking lot of a shopping center which included the majority of the shops on their list. Lexa felt relieved. They could get the shopping done fairly quickly and then maybe spend the rest of the day worry free.

 

“I've really missed this place. The cheap décor and off brands with just enough of a different logo to avoid a lawsuit. This kind of place would do amazing back at the college.” Clarke practically spun around in excitement as she entered the store. Lexa followed her inside but almost tripped over a display of thanksgiving decorations. She was too distracted watching Clarke enjoy herself.

 

“Do we need anything from this store?” She asked as they made their way down the cleaning aisle. Clarke shrugged and admired the impressive selection of off brand dish soap the store had on display.

 

Lexa walked ahead and checked their list to see if she could locate any of the items they needed. She was a little surprised that Clarke was so open to shopping at the dollar store. Her own parents looked down on the idea and they were middle class at best. Clarke was loaded, or at least seemingly loaded.

 

She heard Clarke jog up behind her and turned to see what was up. Clarke was holding up a High School Musical paper bag.

 

“Look what I found behind a row of not-Dawn brand soap. I feel like an archaeologist.” She laughed at her own joke and Lexa smiled back at her. She didn't want to admit that she'd never actually seen the film and could only appreciate how outdated the merchandise was. And she could always appreciate Clarke's smile.

 

She grabbed Clarkes hand as they rounded the corner. They were met by a headache inducing ensemble of red and green. The store was already built up for Christmas.

 

“No thanks” Clarke whispered and she pulled Lexa past that aisle. She looked over at her girlfriend and Clarke sighed. “Sorry, I am not ready for Christmas yet”

 

The store had a small clothing section. Clarke broke away from their hand holding to inspect the clothing offerings. “I've never seen clothes here before.”

 

She continued to sort through the rack of clothing and gasped. She grabbed a hanger and Lexa couldn't see the article of clothing from where she was standing. Clarke was incredibly entertained by whatever it was so she moved closer to get a look.

 

She was holding what looked like a pair of jeans with a 90's-esque woman superimposed on one of the legs. This was something that her girlfriend was enjoying.

 

Clarke was practically in tears from laughing so hard. She finally managed to calm herself down and she looked over at Lexa.

 

“We need to buy a matching pair.” Lexa cracked a smile as she said this. Obviously she wasn't serious. The woman jeans were children's sizes. Clarke smiled back at her and placed the jeans back on the shelf.

 

“Maybe next time. No useless junk, remember?”

 

Lexa nodded and they made their way through the rest of the store.

 

By the time they reached check-out, they'd amassed around 15 items. Some of their purchases were from the list but the rest consisted of off-brand chips and candy.

 

They put the bags in the car and Clarke closed the trunk. The grocery store was right next door so they decided to walk over.

“So what should we get first?” Clarke grabbed a cart and started pushing it behind Lexa.

Lexa looked over the list and then back up to Clarke. “Save the frozen and cold stuff for last. Let's pray they still have stuffing mix and canned pumpkin. It's only a day before thanksgiving.”

Clarke smirked at her and pushed the cart down the baking aisle. “Nothing to stress over. We don't usually make a big deal out of this holiday. My mom is just trying to impress you.”

Lexa nodded. She hadn't gone to a thanksgiving meal in years and actually felt excited for this one. Clarke had assured her that the meal would be small and only a handful of people would be there. Just some family friends and a couple of other doctors from her moms practice.

 

_Nothing to stress about._

 

Usually even the least stressful situations could bring out her anxiety but she felt calm. Clarke was here. As much as she hated herself for it, Clarke grounded her. She'd swore to herself that she wouldn't rely on another person for the kind of comfort that Clarke provided and yet here she was. She pushed those thoughts away and decided to address it at a different time.

 

“I can go pick up the turkey from the deli section if you want to get the rest of the dry goods” Lexa offered

Her girlfriend scoffed. “I guess, but then you'll be away from me?”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes at Clarke's 'fake hurt' expression and started backing away. “I'll only be gone for a minute. I'm tired of shopping”

“We've only been to two shops! Fine, don't be too long!” Clarke blew her a kiss and smiled.

 

The deli was a few aisles over and Lexa looked over the limited turkey options. They'd waited too long and only a few choices remained. She picked up a fairly large one and examined it. She really had no idea what to look for or even how big it was supposed to be.

 

Whatever I'll bring this to Clarke and she'll probably know.

 

She put the turkey under one arm and turned to find Clarke.

 

“Are you sure you don't have any spiral cut ham left”

 

Her blood froze when she heard the voice. It was one shed recognize no matter how long it's been. Nothing would make her forget. She kept walking, on shaky legs, away from it and turned slightly to get a glimpse of its source.

 

A small woman clad in a wool jacket and hat was leaning up against the counter. She was so caught up in her argument with the deli guy that she didn't even notice her own daughter standing only a a few feet away. Lexa thanked the cosmos for that.

 

The anger in her mothers voice brought her back to another time she'd heard that time. She dropped the turkey in the nearest refrigerated bin and rushed the the bathroom.

 

Her heart was racing, like it was trying to escape. She was nauseous as well and her lungs had trouble getting air. The air around her felt like molasses as she gulped it in large quantities. She managed to close and lock the stall door behind her and she leaned against it.

 

Her shaky hands reached for her phone and almost dropped it as she texted Clarke.

 

“In the bathroom. Not feeling well. Didn't get turkey”

She put the phone back in her pocket and closed her eyes. _I'm over this. It's been too long she doesn't have a hold over me_

 

She was too old now.

 

_That's a lie. Her mother would probably always have a hold over her. She would never age out of that._

 

It wasn't just her mother, she knew that. It was everything her mother stood for. Not letting her be who she wanted, keeping Costia a secret and her parents keeping her from moving on. It took a lot out of her to finally break from them. She'd left a lot of herself behind when she'd packed her car up and moved away. Not everything can fit in a box.

 

Her phone buzzed and it was Clarke.

“Ok. I got the turkey and am about to check out.”

 

Lexa read over the words and made sure there weren't any hints of anger. She knew Clarke wasn't like that. Her panic was doing all of the thinking. She hated this.

 

Fifteen minutes passed and Lexa heard a knock on the stall door. She looked down and recognized Clarkes shoes.

 

“Is everything okay? I have the groceries in the car already but I can't leave you here. Unless you are dying and I need to call 911”

 

Lexa took a deep breath and opened the door. She gently pushed past Clarke and washed her hands.

 

Her girlfriend continued to stare and Lexa could tell she knew something was up. But she didn't say anything and Lexa thanked her for that.

 

They walked to the car in silence. Lexa felt the strength return to her legs and she no longer had trouble breathing. Time helps with that kind of thing.

 

“Let's drop off these groceries and go outside. You look like you could use some fresh air. There's a nature preserve nearby”

 

She nodded without looking up. She didn't want to worry Clarke and she wasn't anywhere close to admitting what happened in the store. It was ridiculous but she didn't want Clarke to judge her.

 

Clarke. The girl who wore grandpa sweaters and sang loudly as they walked through the grocery store. The girl who she cared about. It was ridiculous. She wouldn't care. Lexa could bring up as many of her demons as she needed and Clarke would listen. She knew that. But still. She wasn't ready.

 

They pulled into the driveway and Clarke loaded up her arms with grocery bags. “We can probably unload all of this in one trip. If you're willing to go the distance.”

 

Lexa allowed herself a smile at Clarkes silly joke. She grabbed the rest of the groceries and followed Clarke inside. They unloaded the day's haul in silence. Once the final bag was emptied Clarke grabbed her car keys again.

 

“So this nature preserve has a dog park. If you're up to it, I mean.”

 

“But we don't have any dogs” Lexa frowned.

 

Clarke smiled and rolled her eyes “No one would need to know that. We could just enjoy the dogs and leave if anyone got suspicious”

 

“You make it sound like we're drug dealers.” She wasn't frowning anymore. Clarke grabbed a heavier jacket from a hook by the door and gestured to the rest. Lexa shook her head and followed her out to the car.

 

The park was only a short drive from Clarke's home. Lexa didn't feel the need to start up any conversation so she looked out the window, lost in thought. She was thankful for how understanding Clarke was. Anyone else would've asked her a million questions regarding her bathroom retreat and yet she hadn't heard a word about it from Clarke. Maybe it would come up later but for now she was enjoying the silent company.

 

“The dog park is at the head of the trail. We could easily slip in, pet a few dogs and then scram” Clarke zipped her jacket up before jumping out of the car. She'd pulled on a red beanie and scarf to complete her ensemble. Lexa didn't think it was that cold and opted for a scarf to go with her jacket. This time around Clarke had packed a small bag with what Lexa hoped would be snacks. She was starving.

 

The weather was cold, getting colder but the dog park was still filled to the brim with yapping creatures of all shapes and sizes. She followed Clarke through the entrance and they were both met by a puppy greeting squad.

 

She knelt down and held a hand out towards the group. Clarke followed her movements and was knocked over by a giant fluffy white beast. For a moment Lexa worried Clarke might get upset but she could hear her laughing under the mess of fur.

 

A small dachshund waddled up to Lexa and allowed her to pet it. It had beautiful tan and black markings to go along with its friendly demeanor. She was so lost in her girlfriends laughter and her own little buddy that she didn't notice the dogs owner approach her.

 

“I'm surprised that Bartholomew likes you, he rarely likes anyone! Which one of the dogs is yours?” The woman was smiling and Lexa felt guilty for stealing the dogs affection without bringing her own to the mix.

 

Lexa gulped and looked over to Clarke who was now sitting with her legs out in front cradling a puppy like it was her own.

 

“Oh he's around here somewhere. He likes to run” Clarke never missed beat.

 

The lady kept smiling and leashed her dog up. “Well hopefully we will see you around sometime” The moment she was out of sight Clarke stood up.

 

“I think we've been busted. Let's high tail it out of here”

 

Lexa stood next to her and shook her head in mock disappointment. “She was on to us, for sure. I'm enjoying this weather, why don't we walk the short trail?”

 

She grabbed Clarke's hand and they made their way down the trail. Eventually they came to a scenery viewing area and took seats on one of the benches. Lexa was impressed by how nice the park was. She hadn't been to one this nice in a long time. The viewing area was made up of a small brick and mortar pavilion that ended at the edge of cliff. There were laminated posters that explained local flora and fauna in layman’s terms.

 

Clarke whipped out a container of chips from her bag and handed it to Lexa. She gladly took it and began devouring them. She wasn't a huge fan of potato chips but she was starving and her picky eating had gone out the window.

 

After she had what she determined was her share, she handed the bag to Clarke and walked to the edge of the pavilion to get a better look at the area. There wasn't a lot to look at, the pavilion mainly overlooked a forest and they were close to the city so she could still see the suburban housing complex's nearby. She still found herself lost in the calm. She was so lost she didn't realize the sun was beginning to set until she heard Clarke yawn behind her.

 

She turned to check on her girlfriend and noticed a sketchbook in her arms. Clarke was lost in her own little world. She was so focused on her sketching that Lexa didn't want to shake her from it. But it was going to get darker and the park would close.

 

Lexa made her way over to Clarke and sat next to her. She scooted in close to try to get a glimpse of the picture and was shocked. Clarke was sketching her. She must've seen someone else when she looked at Lexa because the person in the sketchbook looked too happy, too at peace with her world. Lexa finally broke away from staring at the picture and came face to face with Clarke.

 

She was smiling her trademark smile and leaned forward to give Lexa a kiss. They kissed in silence for a moment before Lexa broke away. She didn't even realize that Clarke had taken her hand again.

 

“I love you.” Its out of her mouth before she has a chance to stop herself.

 

Clarke stiffens next to her and lets go of her hand before standing up. Its clear that she is walking back towards the car so Lexa follows, heart beating and stomach growing nauseous again.

 

She doesn't say anything and Lexa begins to wonder if she shouldn't have said that. Over the phone was one thing, easily written off as being in autopilot mode. Saying it out loud was something completely different. It wasn't as easy to take back. And she didn't really want to take this one back. This one was real.

 

They'd been together for a few months but Lexa understood that some people take longer to confess something that deep and personal.

 

She'd known from the second date that Clarke wasn't someone she ever wanted to let go of. Maybe even from the first time they met, if she was going to be honest with herself. They continued to walk towards their car but their pace was a lot slower.

 

Lexa could feel her legs grow weaker with each second of silence. Clarke stops and Lexa takes her place standing next to her. She wants to be honest but part of her wants to take back the confession as well.

 

She starts to turn to explain herself and next thing she knows Clarke grabs her hand and gently pulls her off the path. As she turns to ask whats going on she notices Clarke has her determined face on.

 

“Where are we going Clarke?” She asks in a whisper.

 

Clarke's lips are on her, answering her question. Lexa pushed back softly, wanting every moment to last as long as possible. She puts one hand on Clarke's waist and the other arm wrapped under her shoulder.

 

They kiss for what seems like hours and finally Lexa breaks away to breathe. Clarke brushes the loose hair from Lexa's face and lets her hand linger there. She laughs breathlessly and presses her forehead gently to Lexa's.

 

“I love you too.”

 


	9. Back to the start now breathe in, breathe out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa warms up to the gang during another movie night, talks through some things with Clarke. The week starts out rough but ends on a lighter note.

“I'm almost ready to go. Can you fill up some water bottles? I have filtered water in the fridge.” Clarke's voice echoed throughout the otherwise silent apartment. 

Lexa yawned deeply and slowly got off of the couch. They'd only been back for a few hours and she was exhausted. She made her way into the kitchen and started filling up water bottles for them. 

They'd been invited to a movie night. Most of the group was back in town and it was Raven's turn to host so she was very excited. It was Clarke's turn to pick the movie or Lexa would've opted out. She wanted to be supportive even if her body would rather take a three day nap. 

She put one of the bottles in her purse and handed the other to Clarke when she finally emerged from the bathroom. She was working her hair into a bun in a rush, she didn't want to make them late. Lexa smiled and waited for her to finish before pulling her into a kiss. She couldn't resist how cute her girlfriend looked today. 

Clarke pulled away and put a hand on Lexa's shoulder. 

“I don't want to be late” She said through a smile. Lexa frowned slightly but quickly turned it into a smile when she noticed Clarke staring. She picked her keys off of the table and grabbed Clarke's hand to lead her outside. 

They drove in silence and Lexa wasn't bothered. Raven's place was bound to be incredibly loud. Better to enjoy the silence while she still could. She only lived a few minutes down the road in an older house that she shared with Monty and Jasper. 

She was a little nervous because she hadn't been to this place yet and didn't know what to expect.

Clarke jumped out of the car the second they parked and Lexa followed her to the door. Her girlfriend didn't even knock, just opened the door and started to go inside the house.

“What if she's not ready for guests yet, Clarke? What are you doing??” Lexa was embarrassed. 

Clarke spun around and starting backing up into the house. 

“She's never ready for guests. It's okay” She reassured Lexa who still remained skeptical. She wasn't used to this kind of familiarity with people. Anya would've never done that kind of thing to her and she couldn't imagine busting into Anya's apartment either. 

“Hey! You guys are early, I haven't finished getting ready yet” 

Raven's voice echoed in the empty hallway. Clarke walked toward the sound and Lexa followed after her. 

They found her in her room, putting on her leg brace. She looked like she'd just woken up. 

“Did you even start getting ready?” Clarke murmured partially to herself as she looked around the room. 

Raven shot her a dirty look as she strapped her leg brace on. She had a way of shutting people up with just one look. That's probably part of the reason Lexa enjoyed her company, the same thing could be said about her. 

Clarke left her room and walked into the living area and Lexa followed her. She still was in the lost puppy stage and didn't want to be alone in an unfamiliar place. 

No one else had arrived yet. Lexa started to walk around the room, checking out the unorganized decorations. It was obvious multiple people contributed to the furniture and wall décor. 

A large red couch and a few mismatched lounge chairs made up the majority of the furniture. A beanbag and some large pillows were also scattered across the ground. It was also very obviously Raven's place. There were different pieces of workout equipment in every corner of the room. 

“You've really cleaned up the place. Last time I was here I couldn't even open the front door. Where are Monty and Jasper? I want to watch them fight over video games” Clarke plopped onto the couch. She patted the spot next to her and Lexa took a seat. 

“Whatever Clarke, not everyone keeps their home surgically clean like you do. And the boys aren't back yet. They were going to a concert or something. All I know is, they're not here and I had time to clean up” Raven walked over to the TV and turned on her PS3. She picked up one of the remotes and turned back to them. 

“You can have control over what we watch until the others arrive. I got Netflix last week because I was so bored. This town is dead during the holidays.” She tossed the console remote to Clarke. 

“The other option was to tag along with me or one of the others. You're always welcome at my family's thanksgiving table” 

Raven shrugged. She was uncharacteristicly quiet about that. Holidays were hard on her too, it seemed. 

Clarke scrolled though the recently watched list on Raven's Netflix account. She started laughing and pointed at the screen. 

“I can't believe you binged the entire How Stuff Works series in one week. No, wait, actually that totally sounds like something you'd do”

Raven sat in the lounge chair closest to the couch and again shot a glare at Clarke who smiled like a fool. Lexa smiled a bit and wrapped her arm around Clarke. This was nice. She actually felt like part of the group and less like a visitor.

“So how was your holiday? Did you guys make a bunch of food? Clarke isn't the best chef so I feel bad that you had to spend the biggest food day of the year with her” 

Clarke tried to punch Raven lightly on the shoulder but Raven dodged and stuck her tongue out.

“It was nice. We went grocery shopping” Lexa responded to the question, despite Clarkes reaction. 

Raven raised her eyebrows. “Grocery shopping? What an adventure”

“We had a great time over the break. Don't be an ass” Clarke's voice was tight and Raven eased back a bit.

“We also went to a dog park” She wasn't sure why she added that part. It was a fun day. 

Raven laughed at that. “You don't even have a dog?”

It was Lexa's turn to smile. 

“Exactly” She responded, making Raven laugh even more.

“Well my break was pretty boring. I just stuck around here and worked on engineering stuff, certainly nothing as interesting as breaking into a dog park”

Someone knocked on the door and started to come inside. Raven turned towards them and leaned in a little closer. 

“At least they knock so I don't think I'm about to be murdered” She joked. 

Bellamy came into view followed by Octavia and Lincoln. She hadn't seen her room mate since she'd come back from the holiday. Most days she'd spent with Clarke. 

Another girl Lexa didn't recognized followed them inside. She had curly hair and a kind face. Bellamy had his arm around her. 

“Sorry we're late.” Octavia hugged Raven around the neck and blew Clarke a kiss. She pretended to catch it and laughed.

“No one is surprised. You guys aren't ever punctual.” Raven pushed off of her chair and walked over to the new girl.

“I can't believe you snared this one, Bellamy. She's too good for you”

He smiled and kissed the girl next to him on top of her head. “This is Gina. I don't think you've met Clarke or Lexa?”

Gina shook her head and waved awkwardly at the two on the couch. Lexa smiled in return. She wasn't the new one anymore.

“What's the plan this time? Pizza?” Lincoln pointed at everyone and waited for a nod in agreement.

“Alright I'll step outside and make the call. I don't trust you guys to keep quiet”

Lexa didn't blame him. This group could get pretty rowdy.

“So what are we going to watch this time? It's Clarke's turn to pick the movie. Raven had it last time so please no more movies about racing” Bellamy sat down on the floor and leaned back onto the couch where Lexa was sitting.

She wasn't used to being this close to him and felt a little uncomfortable. Nothing she couldn't handle.

“Mad Max wasn't a movie about racing, you dork. I'm sure Clarke has some sad medical drama or edgy art movie for us” Raven sat back in the armchair and folded her arms.

“Whatever. Maybe I'll pick out a really shitty movie just to fuck with you guys.” Clarke got up from the couch and dug through her purse. She pulled out a DVD case and Lexa recognized it instantly.

Gattaca. She was obsessed with that film. It was a distopian science fiction film and many considered it the most scientifically accurate science fiction film of all time. It also starred Jude Law and Uma Thurman, both of whom Clarke loved.

Lexa spoke up “You guys lucked out. It's a heavily science influenced film and an artsy one” Clarke shot her a look and Lexa just smirked in return while the rest of the group laughed.

“Well I think you all will like it. Even Bellamy who has a shitty taste in movies.” Clarke put the DVD into the game console and sat back down with the controller in hand.

“Maybe this movie will help him learn more about film. We've seen too many talking animal movies for my liking” Gina chuckled as Bellamy turned a bright red color.

“I prefer books to movies” he murmured as he wrapped an arm around Gina and pulled her closer to him.

The movie started right as Lincoln came back inside and announced that their pizza would arrive soon. He took a seat next to Octavia on the floor.

“That guy sounds so familiar. What is he from?” Raven asked as soon as the main character appeared on screen. She remained silent for a few more moments and then shifted in her seat. “I'm IMDB-ing him”

Clarke shushed her and kept her eyes trained on the screen. Lexa suppressed a chuckle. 

No matter how many times they'd seen this she still watched it like it was a fresh film. Lexa loved that about Clarke. She could find something new to love even in a film she knew so well.

The pizza arrived when the movie was about a third of the way done. Lincoln brought the boxes into the living room and set them on the coffee table. 

Everyone started grabbing pizza and Clarke paused the movie. Lexa wasn't a fan of eating without utensils but no one else seemed to share that opinion so she grabbed her own slice. 

“Before I start the movie again, does everyone understand whats going on?” Clarke hovered over the remote and looked around the group. 

“Just start the movie.” Octavia said with a mouthful of pizza. This group was very comfortable around each other. 

“Fine, but I'm not answering any questions if you guys get lost” 

She pressed play and nestled next to Lexa. Clarke was all talk. If anyone asked a question she'd answer in a heartbeat. She wouldn't be able to stop herself, she was too helpful of a person. Another quality Lexa loved about her, even if it was frustrating at times.

Clarke rested her head on Lexa's shoulder and they cuddled together on the couch. The group consisted of three couples and Raven but she wasn't bothered in the slightest by her ten wheeling. 

The movie ended and Raven stood up. She looked at her phone and yawned. “Anyone want to play a video game or something? The night is still young, to quote Nicki Minaj” 

“I think we are going to go ahead and leave. But don't let that rule your decision, it's been a long week for us.” Clarke spoke up and Lexa felt relieved. She really didn't want to prolong this day and felt incredibly exhausted just from being around so many people. 

It wasn't that she didn't enjoy their company, she loved spending time with them. It just wasn't a good social day for her. 

She stood up and grabbed her purse from the table. Clarke waved goodbye to everyone as she walked towards the door. Raven followed them out and gave each of them a quick hug 

“You're sure you can't stay?” Raven sounded disappointed. The rest of the group were already fighting over who got to have a remote first. 

“Yeah, its been a long day and I have some stuff to do before school starts up again.” Clarke gave Raven another hug before she climbed into the passenger seat. Lexa waved goodbye and pulled out of the driveway. 

“Thank you for bailing us out of there. I know I didn't mention how exhausted I am, but I appreciate it.” Lexa wasn't sure why she was thanking Clarke but she didn't want to leave the subject hanging. Clarke was sacrificing her evening with friends for her. 

“You never told me what happened the day before Thanksgiving. I saw that look in your eyes again and I figured we could leave” Her voice was very matter-of-fact.

Lexa was completely caught off guard by this response. She remained silent but took in a few shaky breaths. Clarke waited for a response and continued talking when she heard none. 

“Okay I'll be honest. I know you had a panic attack that day. I've had them before and I'd recognize that look anywhere. I just want us to be honest with each other, however hard it is.” 

Now Lexa was really panicking. That was something that she wanted to keep a secret. She didn't want to burden anyone else with that. No one had ever been there to hold her hand after an attack, not even Anya. 

But Clarke had figured it out. She hadn't counted on that. Her attacks were such a private moment for her, she'd never expected to share with anyone. 

“I'm sorry” That was all she managed to say. She wasn't sure what Clarke wanted to hear. 

“Lexa I don't want you to apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. I just want you to know I'm here, I want to help. If you aren't ready for that, I'm okay with it.” Clarke's voice was soothing and it had a note of desperation. She was worried, Lexa realized. She was terrified of losing her. 

“I trust you, I really do. I know you are there for me and I appreciate it, I love you for it” She didn't know what else to say to reassure her. That side of herself wasn't something she liked to think about, it made her feel weak, like she needed someone to take care of her. That is the last thing she wanted, not even from Clarke. It didn't work that way. It wasn't something she'd ever allowed before. 

Clarke seemed to get the message from her silence. She decided to change the subject, letting Lexa off the hook in a way. 

“Do you want to stay at my place or yours tonight?” 

“I have an early class tomorrow and I don't think I have any clean clothes left at your place. I can meet you after my last class gets out tomorrow.” She smiled at Clarke to show it wasn't because of her prying. 

Clarke was staring straight ahead, lost in thought again, unaware of the non-verbal cues. Lexa wanted her to forget or at least move on. She didn't want this kind of attention, even if she found it comforting. If anything she wanted them to be able to take care of each other, the burden didn't need to be on one or the other. 

They arrived at her apartment and Clarke got out of the car to walk her up. It was unnecessary but Lexa grabbed her hand and smiled. She gave Clarke a quick kiss goodbye peck on the cheek but her girlfriend pulled her in for a longer one. She held Lexa's face in her hands and Lexa closed her eyes, reveling in the moment. 

“Good night Clarke” She said breathlessly. Clarke nodded back to her and left. She watched her leave before she went into her apartment. 

Her exhaustion from the past week started to wash over her as she got ready for bed. She wasn't used to spending so much time with other people. 

The bed wasn't as welcoming as she expected, she missed Clarke. Less than a ten minute drive separated them and that was almost too much for her. 

She realized that she didn't want the loneliness back, as tempting as it had seemed earlier in the day. It wasn't as comforting as it used to be. She rested her head on her pillow and pulled the covers tightly over herself. Her eyelids were heavy and it took only moments for her to drift asleep. 

The next week started off terribly for her. She'd woken up late for her first class of the week and felt sick with anxiety during the lecture. She hated walking into class after it started. Everyone always turned to stare, especially when someone was as late as she'd ended up being. 

She took a seat in the back of lecture hall. Usually she sat in the front row, this wasn't a class where she'd made friends. Her undivided attention always went to the professor. He didn't even look up when she'd walked in which had helped her relax a bit. 

After the class let out she hastily walked towards the library. She'd planned to study with Anya for a bit during her break between classes. 

She hadn't seen Clarke for a few days but they were texting regularly. Clarke ended up picking up some extra shifts at the hospital and was too tired to hang out in the evening. At first Lexa worried it was because of their discussion but she trusted Clarke enough to tell her if something was wrong. They'd decided to meet for dinner at the end of the day. 

The library was pretty empty, the nighttime study rush wouldn't arrive until later. She found Anya in their usual spot next to the poetry section. A few tables were set up in different random places among the book stacks and this area was their favorite. 

“Why, hello stranger! I'm surprised you didn't bail on me” Anya stood and wrapped Lexa up in a huge hug. They hadn't really had a chance to hang out in a while. Lexa felt guilty and returned the hug. She wasn't a hugger, even with Anya. 

“Don't think that is going to soften me up. I'm still mad at you.” She pulled away from the hug and faked a frown at Lexa. 

“You'll be fine. Want to come to dinner with us later? Will that make things better?” She teased her friend. Anya didn't need to be babied. 

She rolled her eyes at Lexa's condescending tone and returned to her seat. A stack of textbooks and scattered papers covered the table. There wasn't any room for her to set her own things down but she didn't mind. She hadn't really planned on studying anyway, she just missed Anya's company. 

“So how was the family dinner with your girlfriend?” Her voice was distracted as she read through a chapter outline. Lexa sighed and leaned back in her chair. 

Anya looked up at her and sat down her notes. “Uh-oh” 

“It wasn't anything with Clarke's family. We took a trip to the grocery store and I saw my mom. She didn't see me but it was enough” Lexa felt herself tremble at the memory. 

“Are you shitting me? She didn't see you, did she? I'm guessing not because you're still here.” 

Lexa shook her head. She didn't really want to get back into it but Anya was the only one who'd actually met her family. The only one who would ever know what they were like and why Lexa couldn't return to them. 

“I'm sorry about that Lex. You were finally moving on from all of that mess too. What did Clarke say?” 

A rush of guilt came over her again. “I haven't told Clarke. I don't want to burden her with that. She'd probably blame herself or something” 

Now it was Anya's turn to take a deep sigh. “Okay that is not healthy? You should at least tell her a little more about your family.” 

“If you are just going to lecture me, I can leave. I didn't come here for that” She snapped. 

Anya looked taken aback and Lexa immediately felt embarrassed. 

“I'll tell her. I don't like dragging other people into my drama.” 

Her friend returned to her notes. “But she isn't 'other people', she's Clarke, your Clarke.” 

“I know” Lexa smiled at that thought. 

They resumed studying and the library was dead silent. Lexa didn't have a whole lot to study for. Only a couple of her classes actually had finals this semester and she didn't have any assignments due. She read through her ecology notes and almost drifted off to sleep. 

“Clarke, I didn't expect to run into you here.” 

Anya's voice cut into Lexa's silent studying. She spun around in her chair and saw her girlfriend standing at the other end of the reading area. The look on her face told them she wasn't expecting to see them either. 

“Hey, I hope I'm not interrupting?” She sounded a little awkward. 

Anya starting packing up her study materials and shrugged. “Not interrupting anything on my part. I have to TA a class soon. You guys enjoy this space” 

She shot Lexa one last look before hauling her massive backpack over one shoulder and walking away. 

“She didn't leave because of me, did she?” Clarke sounded a little worried. Lexa shook her head and got out of her chair. She stretched her legs a bit and walked closer to Clarke. 

Her girlfriend grabbed her hands and pulled her in for a kiss. She broke away with a chuckle and shook her head. “My grades are going to drop if you keep doing that” 

Clarke laughed. “I'd need to do a lot more than kiss you to drop those amazing grades of yours. Are you busy? I was going to pick up a few books and would love the company” 

“I'd love to.” She couldn't stop smiling when she was around Clarke. Everything she did brightened her day. She was truly infatuated with this woman. 

Clarke grabbed her by the hand and pulled her along the book stacks. They wandered into the graphic novel section. Clarke knelt and started thumbing through the Spiderman collections. She spent several minutes focusing on the titles before making a frustrated grunt. 

“Is there something I can help you look for? I didn't know you were into comics?” Lexa offered her help but she was pretty clueless when it came to superheroes. Her knowledge was pretty thin in that area. 

“One of the patients at the hospital is really into this one run of spidey but I don't think they have it here. I was going to surprise him. Maybe the bookstore has it?” 

“I'm sure they do.” Lexa reached for Clarke's hand and pulled her back to her feet. They stood face-to-face for a moment and Clarke pecked her on the cheek. 

Clarke gave her a mischievous look and started walking to a different part of the library. She still held on to Lexa's hand and Lexa followed without question. 

They eventually came to a stop in one of the sections for physics. The books were all in Russian and Lexa gave Clarke a puzzled look. Neither of them spoke Russian and neither studied advanced physics. 

Her girlfriend responded to her expression by wrapping her arms around Lexa's waist and pulling her closer. She kissed her passionately and Lexa returned it for a moment before getting flustered. 

“What are you doing?” She asked breathlessly. 

“If you are uncomfortable, I can stop. I've missed you” 

She was too much of everything she wanted. Lexa couldn't resist her. Everything felt right when they were together. She looked around and didn't see anyone nearby. 

“Just this once, but we're going to get kicked out if we keep sneaking off to the dark corners of the library to make out” 

Clarke laughed and kissed her again, the smile still on her lips. The kiss didn't last long, they heard someone shuffle by and broke apart. Lexa felt her anxiety rise again and did her best to stamp it down. 

“I would love to stay here all day but I have class. Dinner tonight? I miss your cooking. I've eaten nothing but instant noodles and toast for the past three days” 

She shook her head at Clarke, amused. Her girlfriend had the eating habits of a kindergartener mixed with a college freshman. When they'd first started dating she'd tried to introduce her to the world of salads and fresh foods but it hadn't gone over well. Instead she'd compromised to cook for her and try to win her over that way. It was working. 

“I will make a meal that will fix the past three days worth of meals. Even if it's pretty much your own fault for not going to the store.” She smiled. 

Clarke furrowed her brow and frowned. “It's going to have to be pretty amazing to accomplish that.” She leaned into Lexa and laid her head on her shoulder. It was so comforting, Lexa didn't want to let her go. 

“You sure you don't want to skip class today?” She couldn't believe she was saying this. It wasn't something she'd ever done, let alone considered. Clarke pushed back and looked at her face to see if she was joking. 

“Are you serious? I'd love to skip today, I'm always down to skip.” She kept searching Lexa's face, as if she was still waiting for the punchline. 

They'd spent the last week together but Lexa still wanted today. She wanted everyday but she could manage with just this one. It felt right.

“Let's go, find something to do or maybe just head to the park and just relax. I just want to be with you today.” Her words were painfully cheesy but Clarke didn't make fun of her for it. She could tell Lexa was sincere. 

“I'm a terrible influence” Clarke muttered. She grabbed Lexa's hand again and they hurried out of the library, ready to find some sort of trouble to get in to.


End file.
